My Whole World Crumbles Apart

I have lost my Mom. It’s hard to start writing again and it’s even harder to express what I’ve been through. She was so strong, she was a kind hearted person all along. I wished to be by her side all the time no matter how hard it was to see the one I love most battling cancer, how I wish I could do something to wash all her pain away for the past two years. Despites all of our effort to be fully present for her and make her feel that she was not alone in this, Allah is the greatest, Allah loves her most. He took her away from all of us on 28th September 2025. It’s been 3 months now, I still got up missing her so very dearly, hoping I would see her again even in a shortest dream. Ever since she’s gone, there’s a huge hole in my heart, not even my daughter nor my husband could fill the emptiness in it. I want my mom. Mama….oh Mama, alynn rindu Mama. Sarah rindu Mama. I no longer have the benefit of a mother’s doa. I no longer get to talk to my mom. I no longer get to hold her hand and be near her. How very hurtful it is to me. I pray hard so Allah forgives all her sins, protects her from anything bad wherever she is.

Sunset

 

It's Eid 2nd day. My marriage is slowly falling apart. It's been a month that we were not in good terms. It's really such a shame cuz I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him if he treated me the right way. We've communicated, but it didn't work. I'm also tired of having to wait for his changes, his efforts, his love and undivided attention. I'm sick of continuously questioning my worth when I'm with him, questioning myself if he truly loves me or not. Cuz apparently all this time, I've been lowering my standards and needs just to meet him halfway. I don't know, I love him but I can't stand it anymore. We could've still Raya together if only he show me efforts consistently to win my heart again, to prove that we could go through everything together. In the end, it's all only a huge disappointment.

Another Harsh Truth

February is here. I finally survived a month of being the real housewife. Annoying and exhausting much. You know what's more annoying? It's when I thought sex gonna heal every bitter parts and hurt inside me. But it didn't. I was wrong, it doesn't even change anything about how I feel towards this relationship. He's great, he's been cleaning the house, doing the laundry and the dishes. I acknowledged him and for that, I am grateful. But I still feel like I was never gonna be his first priority like he told me previously. It was just words that he said to ease my heart, or my ears. The way of looking at it, his phone is his first, his career is his second, Sarah is his third, and then his mom, and continues to his dad, and then there's finally me. Yes, jokes on me. 

I wasn't annoyed because of the night we finally made love after more than a year. It was a great night, but when he was done, he just walked away without any aftercare. It has been like this since we were married. I felt confused, questioned myself like is that how it's supposed to be with any other married couple as well? If it is, why do I feel bummed. And then days after, every time I was like laying beside him, he was always and always with his phone. There was no hug from behind, there was no heart to heart talk, but there was massage upon requests only. Every day he came back home after work, he'd always be the one to talk about all what's happening with his work, office, colleagues and all. But all he ever asked me "are you okay? penat eh?", but then when I was telling him about my day and about Sarah, I felt like it was useless to tell him everything cuz I didn't feel heard at all. He didn't even seem he really care. Anyone with phones on hands don't give a damn about anything, until they put the phones away first.

Oh, speaking of phones, he forbids Sarah from screen time ever since she was newborn. I half-heartedly agreed but since he insisted so I figured I should respect his decision and obey. I get that he was truly against screen time for Sarah, but I don't think he knows how hard it is to raise a human being that needs to be taught 'manually' in order to ensure Sarah grows as a good and intelligent person. He was the one who demanded no gadgets for Sarah, so it only makes sense for me to expect him, to pour extra efforts in entertaining and teaching Sarah. Not me. I expect him to buy books, read books to Sarah on daily basis before bed. I expect him to buy flash cards, teach Sarah meaningful words, or living creatures in the world, the country names, the name of every single planets or whatever. Yes I expect that! But nah. Zero. At this point, I do think gadgets could provide all those that he couldn't do to Sarah. Now you're gonna ask why not me doing all of the above. Well, I am already tired with the cooking, the caring, the breastfeeding stuffs for months! My whole body aches for months, I've been living with painful wrists for months, I never have a good sleep for months. It doesn't mean I was entirely okay if I was keeping silent and only say "Yeah I'm okay". 

I was fed up to the point that I cried while breastfed Sarah to sleep just now. She saw me crying and she wiped my cheek. Hard to believe that this little girl of mine was kinda thoughtful, I guess. All I could think of was that I needed to stay in this marriage because of her well being and future life. A single mom who's jobless can be very hard to secure a child custody if we're talking about divorce in my current state. I don't wanna lose Sarah, I'd rather lose my life. I feel that the main reason I cried a lot, was because I emotionally hurt, and my mind kept telling me to get a divorce, but my heart desperately fighting for this love. I'm sad, because I thought he loves me dearly. Guess I thought wrong. Hmm so now what? Now I'll just have to be patient, and just play my role as a maid and a babysitter, because I'm no wife.

2024, New Life

I'm back! Only now as a mother to a beautiful baby girl that I named as Sarah Alisya. She's turning 10 months in a couple weeks. She's soooo adorable and never fails to make me smiles. For the record, I gave birth via c-sec due to my condition that's medically called CPD, or in other words, my pelvic bone is abnormally small. Not a weird thing to hear, but at the beginning of my pregnancy, I did prayed a lot so I could get to experience the normal birth, but nevermind that. Oh I should definitely put up my baby's pic up there, but I'll do that later. She's currently having a fever and I suspect that she's about to have her first teeth. Poor girl, this all shall pass, I hope she stays strong to face this phase.

We just moved to PD here, tons of thing to catch up. Where do I begin. I quit my job when I was 5 months pregnant and I mostly stayed at my in law's cuz I planned to give birth in KPJ Selangor, it was much nearer, in case of emergency. I was uncomfortable to stay with them, they're good people indeed, but it just wasn't a place of my comfort zone. I just stayed for the sake of the baby's safety. But I do feel grateful and thankful up until now for having such good in laws, allowing me to stay for months and did what most pregnant women do, eat sleep and repeat. I don't feel like writing about my whole journey from the morning I surrendered myself to the hospital, having my belly cut open by the doctors to take a real human out, the episodes of post operation vomiting on bed, couldn't even get up for 24 hours, the first time I got up after the surgery, and the recovery process that took a toll on me physically mentally and emotionally. It was damn hurt and terrifying for me to go through all that again. My thoughts at that moment, I respect all mothers out there, especially my mom, and my mom in law. Now I'm somebody's mom, I finally understand it all. 

Syazwan got fired the first month we had Sarah, and thankfully he got a better job here in PD last September, after 5 or 6 months of trying. That's why I decided to move in here a day before new year, for the sake of Sarah. She deserves to grow up and play around with her father as well. If you or anybody ask me, I wouldn't even want to move to another region, especially when it's quite far away from my parents. But again, nevermind that, I'm an adult so I can adapt to it. Though the life as a fulltime housewife and stay at home mom is truly exhausting. I mean, I wish I have my own me time. But there was never a break! Recently I had a catch up sesh with my girls, I envied them for having such a great life to their own. While I was just stucked in here. "Stuck" sounds depressing, heck yeah I am depress. Hmm. My mom just been diagnosed for breast cancer stage 3c last November. I was feeling down to hear such thing but I didn't even have the time to express the sadness, I gotta put Sarah to sleep first and then I cried alone for several nights. Questioning God why. It was unfair to put this kind of test towards my mother. Of all people, why her. But now I slowly could feel like, peace. I'm just gonna keep praying for her recovery, and I wish I could be there for every of her chemo appointments, but I couldn't. Sarah is my priority now. But we did go back Jeram some weekends to spend time with her.

My marriage wasn't feel like how it used to. Idk what to say. Syazwan has been greatly supported me physically, but sometimes, I could say most of the times, he failed to do so emotionally. So many things that I kept inside my heart ever since I got pregnant, every hurtful words he threw to my face, every actions that didn't match his words of love. I thought I was okay to absorb it all in, but I was all damaged inside because of it. I hate that I'm typing this while my tears about falling down my cheeks. Okay, keep cool alynn. Breathe in, breathe out. Even if he asks me now and wants to make everything works again for both of us, i'm not sure if it's already too late. There were too much I sucked it all in to the point that I no longer remember any of it anymore. Whatever left is only the hurt and I kept on forgiving him until I slowly unloved him. I don't know la, suddenly I feel so pathetic. Would've make me feel good if he can just try approach me and "hey let's have a heart to heart talk..." on weekly basis, just checking in on each other. Hmm that's true effort. But he's always with his phone. 

Love Is Blind

It's been months not writing here. I'm 4 months pregnant now, that explains why. Had pretty rough beginning and let's just say that I suffered physically and mentally with nausea and lost of appetite, all sorts of bad things that I could never imagined I would face it. But I'm much better now. Dear bloggie, I'm scared of giving birth so bad, not to mention the breastfeeding part, the raise a human being episodes as well, I bet only mothers out there would understand this feeling. It's pretty normal right, to seek for emotional support from my husband first and foremost. He's been helping out a lot ever since I was sick and I'm grateful for that, I prayed for good things fall to him as well. But at the same time, I hate for him to witness the weak and pathetic side of me. We were in a good place, though got a bit of hiccups sometimes, which is normal for married couple, I guess. But lately, I don't know. I do want to believe that maybe it's the pregnancy hormones that got me extra sensitive, but man, sometimes I could not deal with his words, his way of treating me. I felt it once before I was pregnant. I just can't seem to find the right words to express it out loud, but tonight I figure I need to at least try write it down.

In all honesty, I feel like I regret marrying him. I totally understand that I have to obey my husband, but the way he's been using this kind of power towards me, it's like there's no sense of thoughtfulness. I slowly feel like I'm some kind of slave or something. Like, whatever I said, it's always wrong in his point of view. My mother had this power towards me before I got married, yet she never treated me this way. She would understand, and I would apologised whenever I did wrongs. I never asked him for materialistic things or anything expensive that I've been wanted, all I ever asked for was food. He not just once, or twice, had said something like "See, I've done everything for you, but you never do anything that I asked for". I was taken aback at first, but annoyed at second time. I didn't know he demanded a favor in return, even it's the kind of favor that is best for me, like reading quran everyday, like taking shower 2 times a day. Mama gave me the same advices before, but not in a forceful kind of vibes, you know. Yet I did ended up obeying her on my own pace. Why would he wanna force me into doing things that I wanted to do on my free will? Why didn't I see this coming? I really thought all the kind gestures purely because he loves me and because I'm helpless at the moment, but those words really made me feel determined to not ask for anything anymore from him. I would do it myself. That's it.

I've planned to follow my parents go back Semenyih tomorrow and spend 2 nights there. Solely cuz I wanna eat few things that I've been craving for, I wanna meet my bestfriends who I missed for months, I wanna feel back the vibes of sleeping in my old room after so long, and last would be cuz of PRU. I remember I did asked politely, properly. I thought he would let me, but he didn't. Can you imagine how I've been asking for his permission for days and he knows exactly how excited I am yet he didn't allow me. My heart simply shattered into pieces, I was hurt deeply by that. I'm tired of all this. This is really not the man that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm good at following and obeying people, but this is exactly not the right way. If anything that he succeeds, it is only in making me love him lesser now. It's not the first or second time my heart got hurt as well, so, wouldn't be weird if I would no longer be in love with him after this. I don't want to live this life anymore, not with him. He once said we're gonna be two man team in this journey, but he lied. I don't feel like a teammate anymore. Perhaps all the love are lies also, or perhaps I've been blinded.

I've said what I said. If this marriage caused me to suffer emotionally, why would I even want to stay? Like, he can't make me happy but I can make myself happier than this. So maybe I will walk away someday. But for now, I just hope I can focus more on myself and the baby. After all this, I don't know, let's just be patience for a while. Hey there lil baby, I'm so sorry if you could feel my sadness as well, I hope you stay there in peace. Mama will try not to cry anymore. I'll hope to see you in April, worst case scenario, I might die but you're gonna be just fine. I silently hope that I die, cuz it might've been easier for your dad, I don't think he loves me anymore.

Where Could My Baby Be?

Marriage life ain't easy. I never will understand how people could be so eager to enter this phase as it requires huge responsibilities and sacrifices. Judging by my old posts, we've had a bit of misunderstandings as we're still learning about each others' pet peeves and all. I remember I talked to him carefully after we pray. I remember how I told him things that he did, that made me feel like giving up. But after all the deep talk, I recognize he changed those certain things and we're good for now. Though there were times he would raised his voice at me again, but I know he's a man of actions and he's trying. It's just that I don't like to get hurt by the same thing again and again, I certainly don't wanna get used to it. I don't ask for any materialistic thingy, all I want is for him to consistently treat me nicely. Wasn't even that hard.

On the other note, I'm proud of him for making a routine of waking up before dawn and solat sunat now. He also recites quran every single day and night, as long he didn't need to go anywhere. I'm actually embarrassed of the way I live this life, it certainly is not as good as how he does. Oh by the way, Syaz's starting to have a fever just now. He straightaway told me to keep a proper distance from him as a precaution. I'm on the other side, just got home from office, and in need of hugs and his manly scent that has been my sweet addiction. This night that we have to eat, shower and sleep in different rooms, it makes me weak, and I just miss him so dearly.

♥ 

Virginity All Gone

Heads up, this is an intimate post that I'm about to write. I've heard many stories of how ladies had bad moments of losing their virginity, and it made me wonder how will I lose mine. The first night me and Syazwan sleep on the same bed together, I was on my period. He caressed my hair softly that I could feel the warmth coming from his hands. Or perhaps it was coming from our bodies that got closed to each other. He kissed my forehead and touched my cheeks. Gently kissed my lips for the first time, have to say, I got turned on by that so I kissed him back. That's when I learned how to french kiss. He grabbed my boobs and got on top of me. Never thought he's that sexy enough to bite my clothes and pull it up, so that he could suck my tits. I couldn't help but to moan, safely, worried my parents would heard me. Ahh, writing this all makes my heart beats faster. We couldn't have sex actually, until the 2nd day of our honeymoon when my period already gone.

I remember he tried to lick my pussy under the blanket while his hands grabbed my boobs pretty good. But the most awkward and embarassing moment for us two was when he tried to put his dick into me. It hurts so bad that I pushed him away with my feet, he was upset by that. I was dead ass worried that perhaps something is so wrong with me, perhaps sex isn't for me. But after several pillow talk sessions, we agreed to start it off with fingering. It still hurts but a lot less than previous one. He did fingered me so well that made my pussy wet. Imagine that he spanked me hard and my pussy just got wetter. He be rough with me, picked me up and push me against the hotel window. He then again fingered me from behind, took turns with spanking my ass till it got red, pulling my hair and kissed my neck so hard. I screamed in pleasure so loud. I think he got turned on by that cuz he whispered to me "nakalnya", and spanked me over and over again. He threw my body back to bed and I was in a doggy position.

He continued on spanking me, and got on my back. Mind you his finger is still in my hot wet pussy. He then pounded me that it made his finger got in so deep in my pussy. I screamed so loud, cuz it felt so good that I ended up wetting the bed sheet. He talked dirty to my ears, telling me "sexynya, I want to fuck you". But then after few minutes of hot pounding, I could feel drops of water on my back, and it got on my hair and my face when I tried to turn around. Yes, he came. I laughed a lot cuz it was funny, seeing him that way. He came off shy afterwards, cuz he didn't let me know in advance. So cute, my handsome baby is cute too. I was glad we're taking it slow and at least passed the first step. I had to tell you my pussy bled a little afterwards and I bet it was my virginity. He repeated the same good thing to me the next morning, in front of the bathroom mirror as well. He let me see my face when I was horny. He was right, I really looked sexy and I didn't know that. The night we were in Cameron, We decided to try put his dick into my pussy. Slowly he put it in, but it still hurts. It was just that this time I didn't pushed him away. I let him do it slowly. We got it in a bit, but we didn't continue to finish it off cuz by the time he wanted to fuck me, he already got all tired by the fingering session. Up until today, we haven't fucked properly cuz I was too busy enjoying his finger. But if you ask me now, I want more, I want him to fuck me hard on bed till I scream out loud in pleasure, till he came inside my hot wet pussy. I want a whole lot more, but I'm too shy to ask him for it.

Coming in to the third week of this marriage now, we did had few misunderstandings and I did cried so much because of it. I had to admit that I was about to give this all up, like I can't do it anymore and I want to stop. But I'm glad that I had the strength and courage to make amends with him. And of course, the make-up sex is the best part about it. Now that we speak of sex, right, deep down I hope he didn't do it solely just to make me feel good. I want him to do it because he loves me and because he wants to. I don't want to burden him with the kind of mindset like, making sure me having a good sex is his responsibility. That's just too uncomfortable to me. Because in my mind, I would love him to feel good and satisfy enough too. 

♥ 

Love Doesn't Change, We Do

And my heart is shattering like buildings and roads after an earthquake. Oh the tragedies every memory I have has to face at the moment, where do I begin? So many tiny things that can slide unnoticed, became magnified that I can see nothing else. Blinded, I've become by all this pain, all these questions and confusions of where I am, and where I'm heading or if I'm able to move at all. I wish I could have mastered the art of not giving a fuck, I would have gone through this better, but it doesn't seem like I could. He tried to sleep in a different room than I was in, again. But I did managed to force him out of there and make him lay next to me. I couldn't hold back my tears so I walked out and tried to breathe the night air at the balcony. But then he followed me from behind and pull my hands in, we started talking, finally. Turns out he was upset with my behavior from our dinner yesterday, he said I pushed him too much to go back my home, but I only asked him about it for 3 times. He even let everything out, I just sat there listening to each of his words. All about he never asked me to put him first, and whatnots.

I'm well aware by the fact that sons, especially the first born, carry huge responsibilities towards his own parents. I knew and I literally pinned that on my brain. Even before we started meeting our parents, I wouldn't want to make him choose between me or his family. Never, 'cuz I wouldn't want any of my brothers to do that to my mom as well. What actually hurts me first was the moment he responded to my request. "Ikut you la, nak balik, balik la". I get that he's annoyed, but it didn't have to be said like that. Not during our fancy delicious dinner. I just wish he could tolerate softly with me a bit, like give me time limit for 3 hours or however long he wishes, or put a condition if I settle the house chores fast, then it's a green light. It just didn't have to be harsh, I'd totally get his point that we need to clean our house first. But as he started sleeping outside, and refused to eat what I cooked for him, even it's not that tasty enough compared to his mom, that what makes me bottle up all the feelings inside. I'm frustrated that he probably know I'm sad, but he labelled it as sulking and never even try to comfort me. 

Pathetic, to stand in this alone, to walk through it alone. And I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to break things and break down, break out of this cage I've imprisoned my soul in. Yet, there's no point in any of this, no lessons to learn. To be filled with so many emotions all at once, all at the same exact instant in time, I feel paralyzed and unable to control or hold onto them, let alone to express them directly to his face. He kept on asking me to let it all out, but how could I tell him that I've grown tired of this marriage life. Of feeling stuck and lock up to such responsibilities and good wife commitments that I'm not used to yet. Of all the cryings caused by his words or actions, every single time bad communication happen between us. I'm tired and I have no strength to keep on walking this path with him. I love him every seconds of my breath, but all this is just too overwhelming for me. I feel like I could've done better, feel happier, if I were to love him from distance. 

A Night Alone

I never thought he would be the reason behind my tears dropped down my cheeks. Last night was the second time. The first one happened while we're on honeymoon, after we failed to have sex and he just walked away leaving me naked alone on bed. This time he refused to sleep in a same bed with me. Am I that disgusting to him? I don't know but what I know is he'd rather slept alone and I ain't that important to him. I started questioning that maybe I chose wrong, maybe this life is the wrong one for me. My feelings are valid and all I wanted was to go back home for a while, to see my lovely ones cuz I miss them so much. Life's been so tiring, work's been pressuring me up for self growth. I just need to have some play times with my Aysar and Adel. All because the fact that they love me no matter what, is what boost my self confidence, what makes me want to try harder and be better. Little pure souls are different than us, they had no idea how tough the world outside is, and how full of flaws myself is. Unknowingly, I already get used to run my way back to them to find peace in mind for a short while. But let's talk about what I feel now, is all disappointment, and lack of love towards the person I supposed to love wholeheartedly. It hasn't been a month yet we've already had arguments and cold silence for a couple times now. How do you think we're gonna last long like our parents'? No, we won't. Someday I will get used to being hurt, and comfort my own self. Someday he will get used to being hurt too, and walk away at times I need him most. I really don't see how our marriage gonna last long. If marriage and love could hurt this bad, perhaps someday I should go. I'd rather live a single life alone, cuz there's absolutely no way I would make myself cry, and I always gonna have my back no matter what. I have this thought that I was at fault too, for giving my whole self to somebody who knows how fragile I am, who knows how he affects me most. So you know what I should do from now on? Stop giving myself away! 

Love Me Harder

 

Alhamdulillah, on 4th June, I'm officially married to this amazing man here, Muhammad Syazwan Bin Safari. I'm more than happy with the decoration, hand bouquet, my nikah outfit, how my family looks pretty and handsome, the good food and all, except for my suddenly swollen left eye, and my ruined makeups as the day went hotter. I just deeply hope that the photos and videos turn out well and as good as I expected. I hope I don't look ugly in it. But no worries, my husband looks so handsome, as usual. Woah, now that saying 'my husband', it feels kinda weird but in a good way. I love him most, and I'm so very thankful to my whole family for making this day as beautiful as it supposed to be. Though got some hiccups here and there, but with their help, things just got better. My very close friends came to my wedding, not so many and I'd understand. 'Cuz Jeram is way too far from wherever they're staying. Yet only those who knows they're important to me, had come. Now that I'm someone's wife, gotta carry this huge responsibilities well. No more going out alone, or having the entire space that I needed. I guess.

We had our reception day on 5th June, on his side. Had to say it was overwhelming to stand and walk to the crowds. Be the center of attention. If I had a choice, I would've run away and refused to do that. His family is so big, so beautiful and so much in another level compared to mine myself. The thoughts of 'am I deserve to be a part of them' started eating me inside, hence the sudden clumsy and moody self coming out. That was then, but now I'm scared, I'm sad and worried, cuz I'm going to lose myself to someone else. By the time you're reading this now, I'm currently on a honeymoon with Syazwan. The first night we've been husband and wife, he kissed me good. Lucky I was on my period and I am still, we only spent the nights cuddling together. It was so nice. Once or twice we would've woke up in the middle of the night and started cuddling and kissing. One most important thing that I'm not ready yet is to lose my virginity. And it's going to happen probably tonight. Ugh I'm scared but I know he's very good with all the touching in bed! So good that I unknowingly starting to ask for more. If it happens tonight, I'll definitely write about it tomorrow. 

♥ 

A Little Rush That's Not Too Much

It's quite stressful to plan a wedding, I was thinking to just do the bare minimum but I changed my mind. Like, I want my once in a lifetime wedding turns out beautiful. Hence I been focusing and hoping that flower decorations and every little details meet my expectations. But I also don't want to get my hopes high, scared might disappoint myself. I haven't finalized my wedding theme yet, that'll have to discuss with the vendor a month before the date. Now pending vendors to search for henna, hand bouquet, wedding cake, and wedding reception attire. We also haven't buy rings and settle the forms yet. We're almost there, got 2 months more, that should be enough time for us to complete everything. May Allah ease.

Oh, all praise to Him, I got new job offer and I already accepted it about last week. I swear I didn't expect this good news after I screwed up in the interview session with them. They gave me 2 case studies and I couldn't do the forecasting one as I never done it before. They offered 33% salary increment after few times of negotiation. Weird, at first they informed me they set a 4-5k budget for that position, and they offered me only rm200 increment in the beginning. After several calls and explanation why I demand for higher, finally they agreed. Both the new company and DKSH agreed to let me serve for 1.5 months, and the new company will buy me out for 0.5. So I'll be tied up to financial bond with the new company for 6 months. As usual, I'm already nervous and excited, so I keep on praying harder so my Lord will help me whenever I need Him. 

♥ 

Feyoncé-fied 💍

 

I'm engaged ! After months of pushing back the date because of covid19 strict SOP guideline and rules, we finally made it to this day. I'm so relieved that everything goes well, only got a bit of hiccups during the discussion between the two family representatives. But the rest are good. My dress is beautiful, only that sometimes I look fat in the picture because of the ruffles on top side. The tailor didn't really understood my request but nevermind. My makeup doesn't look ugly, phew. I asked for a natural look, so, it's not bad. My man looks soooo damn fine in that baju melayu with sampin and songkok. Oh my god, I peek a little through the window and I just fall in love with him more. He's very handsome, even when he just stands there doing nothing. The food are all delicious, my favourite would be ayam masak merah. Weather's good too. Just perfect! I'm so nervous and my hands are shaking more knowing that his families come with 12 cars, imagine how my heart beats so fast that time. But all in all, it's a very happy day for me. Gotta thanks my family and relatives for all the helping hands that make my day.

Now that we're engaged, I hope whatever's coming to our way, we can handle it together as a team. I hope he knows that I'm definitely love him more than anyone else now, does that sounds ridiculous? Idk, but I still have to be careful not to get hurt, nor hurting him in any possible way. People keep on telling me it's gonna get tough for us both in the upcoming months after our engagement. So yeah, I will bear that in mind, but I can't wait to be his all, can't wait for him to be just mine. Never thought this day would even come for someone like me, someone who's got so many flaws and past love that leave me bickering within myself, only to refuse of getting married. I used to think it's truly a gamble. Either you settle down with someone who's good enough for you to live a bowl of cherries life, or bad enough for you to break you down into shattered pieces. I've been told not to overthink and worry a lot, but sometimes I can't help it. In the end of the day, I shall pray for nothing but Him to prove I'm wrong, and to let me know that I too deserve a life of comfort and joyfulness by my lover's side. So then here I am, with Muhammad Syazwan. We're almost there baby. I love you so much!

♥ 

Couldn't Live Without

Hey! I just got distracted big time. Because I have a clever nephew and two cute little nieces I got to play with. I'm so in love with them, so freaking adorable! Hoping that our whole family could gather around soon, once situation's getting better. Oh. I was supposed to get engaged on 26th June, but things got out of our hand. Couldn't cross district so we decided to postpone the date. Still don't have a new date, perhaps we'll just follow the flow. My girlfriends sent me two Starbucks tumblr as birthday gifts this year. Love them girls a lot! My families throw a small birthday party for me, mama and mak. My baeby came and we went out for late lunch at the beach together in raining weather. I missed him so much, and I really appreciated he came just to spend time with me. Think that's all for now. Will update you again soon.

♥ 

Why Now Not Then?

Hello. I've been neglecting this blog of mine for quite some time now. Perhaps I've lost interest in writing ever since I'm learning to talk more about my feelings instead of keeping them hidden as writings and my life is full of happiness. Guess sadness is the key to write good stuffs. So here I am, exclude the sadness. I just figured that I need to spill out a secret here. Hmm. Before I met my lover, I knew this one guy 1 or 2 months earlier beforehand. We've been friends all this while. Even when I know I'm already in love with my baby, I do keep in touch with this guy like once in a month on friendship basis. To be honest, I liked him before everything and I remember how I impatiently made my move because he has been in my mind all the time. And I remember how I felt like I got rejected by this guy not just for once or twice. So I thought that maybe he's not ready or he's not into someone like me, and I distanced myself away from him for months, and those months were the moment when I became closer to my baby in our friendship stage. When my baby got a tight grip of my heart, I never made the first move in approaching that guy anymore. It was always him, either on my ig story, or my whatsapp status. It was steer clear to me that we're only gonna stay friends and I could accept that. Not a problem, 'cause I found my guy already. But then last week he texted me just to catch up, and clearly he said something like "I wish we could get married...", I was like, huh? Maybe he's just wishing things that could never happened, to happen. I wasn't sure what those words meant, and I wasn't interested to see where that conversation was leading us to. So I ended the conversation awkwardly, I don't exactly remember how.

But then 2 days ago, he texted me at midnight, I already fell asleep. So I replied him the next morning and just a simple catch up texting. And again, he said things like "when we're married, we'll be like....", I was taken aback. Like wait, what? What is this guy thinking? What makes him so sure that I want to marry him? Why now though? I was surprised and feeling guilty, but I'm not the wrong one here. Hmm. My original plan now was to settle down by next year, and I only tell 3 girlfriends of mine about it. I don't wanna tell anyone else. But since this guy's suddenly showing up and expressing his interest in me, I had no choice but to inform him that he's too late and I'm marrying someone else. I wanted to avoid from hurting anyone's heart. I was being very careful with my choice of words. At first he congratulated me, then I think, I've said it the wrong way, he got angry. But he shouldn't though, 'cause I was only trying to explain my side of story, and he should respect my feelings, but he thought I was treating him like shit. It's so tense, and this guy spoiled my day. Hmm. Anyway, we're still friends. He'd like us to stay this way until I got hitched. Oh, well, whatever suits him then. What I know is I'm not going to change my heart or my mind. At the end of the day, I'm always gonna choose my baby.

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What Lovers Do

I never thought things between me and him would be this quick to happen in much further. Today his parents and his relatives came here to officially meet my big family and handed me a ring, in which it symbolizes i'm a bit more than their son's girlfriend. Simply said, merisik. Oh for that ring's sake, we went to 6 shops to find the one! Kinda troublesome, 'cause I almost gave up hahaha. You know what, I looked so messy, but he looks good as usual. Ugh, I'm not one to fancy being the center of attention actually, but anyhow, things went on smoothly. And apparently my engagement day will be on June 2021. Haven't tell anyone but Kila, Ayon and Eda. Hoping they'll keep it as a secret 'cause I don't wanna jinx it. Now do pray for me so that my preparation for engagement will be okay. I'm already stressed out now.

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Loving You

He always said to me, "anything for my baby 💗", so I told him I want a handwritten love letter. Few weeks after, I got my letter today. I'm so excited that I quickly took it from the postal guy and run straight to my room, avoiding myself from being questioned by my parents. It's too embarassing, so I figured I'm just gonna enjoy the moment alone. I sniff sniff the letter a bit, he surely sprayed his perfume just like I told him to. I read one by one of his words in there and I'm so touched! 😚 I'm very happy, I can't stop smiling now hehehe. I love you Syazwan 💕

I Can't Let Go

Here's where I live with my parents now for the time being. Once MCO 2.0 is over and we're allowed to cross border then I'll definitely going back to Semenyih. If my parents decide to come along and stay for two weekends, that would be great. But I doubt it even happen 'cause my father seems kinda settling down here. Like he ain't going anywhere else. Sigh. I know it's so peaceful around here. But I don't wanna be here. I miss my pink room. I miss my wardrobe with huge mirror on it. I miss the smell of my bed and pillows. I miss turning on aircond whenever I want. I miss my friends. I can't seem to let go all of it. You know what, the worse thing is, a few days ago I overheard my parents' conversation of selling the house. I was breaking apart inside, I was just froze up right where I sat, didn't even know what to say. Like, no you can't do that! I wanna said it out loud, but I've no right. It's their house, their money, their decision. Hmm, then I think and think, and think. Yeah, I can't do anything about it. Hopefully it's just a joke, but if it's really happen, I don't think I can accept it. I don't think I can forgive and forget. If you ask me, how long should I hold on to the house, the whole sentimental value and whatnots? The answer is, for however long I want to. Or maybe until I settle down and start a new life of my own. But right now, I'm still living the same pathetic life I've been in since the past 26 years. So don't you judge!

Goodbye 2020

My last day of 2020 spent well with this handsome man here. I don't know what else to say or write about this one. He really swept me off my feet with his loving eyes lock on mine, cheeky devilish laugh whenever I was acting clumsy not on purpose and when he was trying to mock me or something. His never-ending thirst for knowledge and success. Nerdy soul deep within. I think it's funny and weird at the same time. We've actually plan to dine in KFry months ago, finally got to do so today, after I literally forced him to take me out on a date. Though I noticed that he was a bit not interested to put himself on such crowded places due to current situation that's getting so much worse than before. I'm feeling guilty, hoping that nothing bad affects our health tomorrow onwards. All matters aside, I'm starting to miss him dearly now.

2020 has been a pretty good year to me. I've got a permanent job that I was planning to resign from, but people mostly telling me to stay and work my ass off in finding a better opportunity meanwhile. As much I already tried that, I'm getting sick of being rejected honestly speaking, now I only sit still and just...surrender myself, if that's the word suits me most. Anyhow, I am still thankful and grateful. My family and friends are happy and healthy, but it sucks to be around all of them only to notice that I'm more lonelier than before. If truth be told, as long they're all happy, I'm happy too. No matter how cliche that might sounds. I also met a pure hearted man that caught not just my eyes, but my heart and my mind too. Irresistible and admirably behaved. Good enough to make me stay the night and spend all hours thinking of him, of all the possibilities. I love him, to the point that now I can say I'm afraid of losing him, and also afraid of being with him. Kept telling myself that everyone deserves better than me.

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Overreact

It's raining tonight, as it's always been like the previous nights. 10.00 pm has already be my favourite time of the night 'cause I get to feel closer to him, see his captivated cheeky smiles, listen to his blabbermouth. It's the least thing we can do for now. We talked everyday, the old me had always thought this kind of routine was a bore thing to do. But with him, I don't know how he does it, surprisingly he makes everything fun, and I feel like it's not enough. I've been wanting to say it, but I waited instead, to see if it's not just a foul feeling. Of all nights we've talked, I think tonight was a direct flick to my heart and my mind. He did mention before about his intention to study abroad, but the excitement he had on his face while telling me about it tonight just a bit different than before. I was like "that's great! you're gonna make it" yet I'm worried, scared, and sad. I worry if his dream really comes true, he's gonna be far away from me and I...he...Well he's definitely gonna forget about me slowly. It's human nature I guess. People usually would settle for something new something better. That makes me think again, it's an honor to know his dreams, every little thing he favors, every detailed plan he makes.

Plan, his future planning that doesn't seem to involve me at all. Now I see. How can I miss that important clue. Perhaps it's the hormone thingy, I just ended up staring at the ceiling, searching for a song to comfort my thoughts, and started crying. I wanna ask him every lingering questions that seem to bother me, but I'm embarrassed of myself, of my silly way of thinking. I mean, I can't wait for him that long, but I'm so scared of losing him, but this is like a reminder to myself that it's gonna hurt me someday, and I have to be ready for it, now or never. Hmm. I don't know what future holds, but it's okay. I did prayed for him to easily climb up the ladder he wants and live a life he yearns for. Even I'm not a part of it, I promise I'll be happy as long he's happy. Hope everything goes as he planned. Hope in every outcome, I'll be fine and strong.

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Odds

Can I have it all? I'm starting to be greedy. Selfish desire for him starts to rob my inner peace. It's not an obsession, right? I am not obsessed over him, I just don't wanna lose him. But the facts that I could easily let people go by mistake and the odds that he doesn't feel the same love as I do, are making me can't even sit still. Perhaps I should just worry less, like letting things flow its way, and don't even start begging or look desperate. Stop imagining a future with him, stop hoping he does the same, stop getting jealous. Most importantly stop being a pusher! Maybe I should purposely avoid talking to him for few times, be the sensible me again. Yeah I'm going to do that, hit the sack earlier than usual would save me from the guilt. Hmm. I wish, whenever I run out things to say, he'd be the kind of person who would just randomly say words that could calm down my thoughts and give assurance that nothing bad is gonna happen. Honest and sincere words, instead of pick-up lines on purpose. 'Cause I often overthink.

Anyway, did I write about the day I drove back from Semenyih to Jeram alone? Err yeah, that actually happened for the first time. My coward-ass can't even believe it but yeah. 'Cause the previous night before it happened, my mind weighed a lot with thoughts of "to do or not to do". I ended up driving back at 7 am, and praying that I wouldn't bump to any road block. When I safely arrived, the situation was like I just won a huge award or something. My parents welcomed me home with grateful eye smiles. Funny. Now don't you underestimate me, Mama. Heh. So basically I was back here again and I hope it's only until 6 Dec, last day of CMCO. Please don't extend it any longer, I wanna go home, wanna meet my friends :( Lots of catching up session to do. I just got the news that Balqis is pregnant! Guess all the 'first night techniques' she shared with all of us before really worth it. Hahaha!

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