My Whole World Crumbles Apart

I have lost my Mom. It’s hard to start writing again and it’s even harder to express what I’ve been through. She was so strong, she was a kind hearted person all along. I wished to be by her side all the time no matter how hard it was to see the one I love most battling cancer, how I wish I could do something to wash all her pain away for the past two years. Despites all of our effort to be fully present for her and make her feel that she was not alone in this, Allah is the greatest, Allah loves her most. He took her away from all of us on 28th September 2025. It’s been 3 months now, I still got up missing her so very dearly, hoping I would see her again even in a shortest dream. Ever since she’s gone, there’s a huge hole in my heart, not even my daughter nor my husband could fill the emptiness in it. I want my mom. Mama….oh Mama, alynn rindu Mama. Sarah rindu Mama. I no longer have the benefit of a mother’s doa. I no longer get to talk to my mom. I no longer get to hold her hand and be near her. How very hurtful it is to me. I pray hard so Allah forgives all her sins, protects her from anything bad wherever she is.

Sunset

 

It's Eid 2nd day. My marriage is slowly falling apart. It's been a month that we were not in good terms. It's really such a shame cuz I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him if he treated me the right way. We've communicated, but it didn't work. I'm also tired of having to wait for his changes, his efforts, his love and undivided attention. I'm sick of continuously questioning my worth when I'm with him, questioning myself if he truly loves me or not. Cuz apparently all this time, I've been lowering my standards and needs just to meet him halfway. I don't know, I love him but I can't stand it anymore. We could've still Raya together if only he show me efforts consistently to win my heart again, to prove that we could go through everything together. In the end, it's all only a huge disappointment.