February is here. I finally survived a month of being the real housewife. Annoying and exhausting much. You know what's more annoying? It's when I thought sex gonna heal every bitter parts and hurt inside me. But it didn't. I was wrong, it doesn't even change anything about how I feel towards this relationship. He's great, he's been cleaning the house, doing the laundry and the dishes. I acknowledged him and for that, I am grateful. But I still feel like I was never gonna be his first priority like he told me previously. It was just words that he said to ease my heart, or my ears. The way of looking at it, his phone is his first, his career is his second, Sarah is his third, and then his mom, and continues to his dad, and then there's finally me. Yes, jokes on me.
I wasn't annoyed because of the night we finally made love after more than a year. It was a great night, but when he was done, he just walked away without any aftercare. It has been like this since we were married. I felt confused, questioned myself like is that how it's supposed to be with any other married couple as well? If it is, why do I feel bummed. And then days after, every time I was like laying beside him, he was always and always with his phone. There was no hug from behind, there was no heart to heart talk, but there was massage upon requests only. Every day he came back home after work, he'd always be the one to talk about all what's happening with his work, office, colleagues and all. But all he ever asked me "are you okay? penat eh?", but then when I was telling him about my day and about Sarah, I felt like it was useless to tell him everything cuz I didn't feel heard at all. He didn't even seem he really care. Anyone with phones on hands don't give a damn about anything, until they put the phones away first.
Oh, speaking of phones, he forbids Sarah from screen time ever since she was newborn. I half-heartedly agreed but since he insisted so I figured I should respect his decision and obey. I get that he was truly against screen time for Sarah, but I don't think he knows how hard it is to raise a human being that needs to be taught 'manually' in order to ensure Sarah grows as a good and intelligent person. He was the one who demanded no gadgets for Sarah, so it only makes sense for me to expect him, to pour extra efforts in entertaining and teaching Sarah. Not me. I expect him to buy books, read books to Sarah on daily basis before bed. I expect him to buy flash cards, teach Sarah meaningful words, or living creatures in the world, the country names, the name of every single planets or whatever. Yes I expect that! But nah. Zero. At this point, I do think gadgets could provide all those that he couldn't do to Sarah. Now you're gonna ask why not me doing all of the above. Well, I am already tired with the cooking, the caring, the breastfeeding stuffs for months! My whole body aches for months, I've been living with painful wrists for months, I never have a good sleep for months. It doesn't mean I was entirely okay if I was keeping silent and only say "Yeah I'm okay".
I was fed up to the point that I cried while breastfed Sarah to sleep just now. She saw me crying and she wiped my cheek. Hard to believe that this little girl of mine was kinda thoughtful, I guess. All I could think of was that I needed to stay in this marriage because of her well being and future life. A single mom who's jobless can be very hard to secure a child custody if we're talking about divorce in my current state. I don't wanna lose Sarah, I'd rather lose my life. I feel that the main reason I cried a lot, was because I emotionally hurt, and my mind kept telling me to get a divorce, but my heart desperately fighting for this love. I'm sad, because I thought he loves me dearly. Guess I thought wrong. Hmm so now what? Now I'll just have to be patient, and just play my role as a maid and a babysitter, because I'm no wife.
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