Bye-Bye August

I think I wrote too often this month since too many things happened. There was an early Merdeka contest at my office, Warehouse and CRM department were rivals as usual. We also celebrated Kak Su's last day, pretty much feel bumped 'cause I still remember those moments we spent together ever since we were trainees, now she's going back to where she belongs. I wish the best for her and I hope we'll meet again someday. Then I went to PJ for a job interview, in my point of view I did well. God, it was so far away, but I figured that I need to give it a try. Will see what happens next. Then I spend my Merdeka night by having dinner with Kila and Ayon. Said I wanna see fireworks, but they surprised me with a tiny one along with the cakes and balloons. Better late than never, but I still love them even if there was no late birthday surprise at all. Oh Capik got admitted to hospital 'cause he has carbuncles on his left hand. We visited him, with laughters and mocks. What kind of patient still demands for KFC at times like this? Oh relax, none of us bought anything for him. He's fine. Then we went to IOI mall, my feet got blisters, thanks to high heels. I had to walk barefoot in the mall instead, that was embarassing! But I bought slippers later. Okay, guys, no more last minute planning. I hate it. Now now, September, here we go! More good things, please.

♥

Little Bundle Of Joy

Muhammad Aysar Aakif. I'm your aunt, Alynn. Pleasure to meet you today ♥

But For Now

Tonight, I put everything in a box. All proclamations of love, the notes, poems, hopes and promises. Although you aren't dead, we are no longer alive. The fire that once burned bright in our hearts has been spent. The ashes taken away by the new wind. I set myself up for pain and misery in rewind. To realize that I'm the only one suffering and being haunted by memories and being lulled by tears to sleep at night. You probably don't even know how pathetic I think of myself every time I make and then break my own rules and self-imposed limitations. I try not to go over the safe zone I've created, but then I irrevocably love a person to the point I question my own sanity. And slowly I ended up swallowing up my own crap. I have a need. A need to write it down, to get my feelings on this space so I have something that I can hold on to. Because I am confused, so very confused, wandering around a dark room not knowing why or how I ended up in it. Like a cliché. So many stories that I read are applicable to mine, but still I feel a need to write my own story down, a substitute is just not good enough. 

How do you prepare yourself for the worst heartbreak ever? I'm sitting here counting down the days until my heart rips into pieces. Yes, I've been here before. I know I did this to myself, by keep letting my heart open to chances and fall deeper into love, but it's still going to be the hardest, most impossible thing to get over someone. I knew I would be so deeply in love and that someday it was going to come to an end. I'm happy I took the risk, because after living my life fearful of feeling emotion for so long, I finally learned that it's not worth it to hide from it. They said to give in, because you honestly only have so much time to experience it all, life's too short. But right now, I had no idea if I should have the ability to care anymore. There is something holding me back. Whether or not this will happen again, I can't know. Jumping in head first brought me more pain that I ever thought imaginable. I needed to share this with someone, so I'll share it with you. I have always been a true believer in love but for now, I think my time is over. 

♥

Dear Muse

I was really tired today at the office. Not sure if it was because of my hormone. I rushed back home to buy a cake and three pizza combos for celebrating Mom's birthday tonight. She's happy, that's all that matters. Remember the Hi Melati that I told you before? I finally received it. Well, it should be yesterday but I forgot to pickup my phone when the postal guy called to confirm. So mom's picking it up for me from the post office. I would never thought that there's handwritten note, and a beautiful fancy looking ring that I've ever dreamed of. It was actually from him, my muse that I used to love wholeheartedly. I shed tears, I shouldn't but I couldn't help it. My fingers look much prettier with this ring on one of them. I really like the gift. I like whatever gift he gave me, and I'm still wearing the necklace from before. But there were so many thoughts. "It's all too late now", "Why does it seems like he still care, but all he ever did behind me was dissing me?", "I don't deserve all this good things", "I shouldn't even walked away", "Perhaps this was his way of having a final closure of me", "Was I really the bad one?", "Did I make a wrong decision again?" 

I don't know anything anymore. I've had a proper closure of him last month. I've promised not to look back again and just keep moving forward. No one deserves to judge me for not being sad and broken as badly as he is. 'Cause I was in pain too. I cried on my sleep too. I've had dreams of him too. I listen to sad songs and I think of him too. What should I do then? Crying won't even put things back in order. Writing won't even turn things back to normal. 'Cause it was all too late now. I'm sorry. It was a privilege to love someone like you, M. And I was the lucky one to be fully loved by someone like you. It hurts that we're over, but if we're destined to be together again, either one of us will come back around somehow. You were once so special to me, very very special. But I ain't gonna spend the rest of my life longing for you, wishing things to be different. I'm moving on now. Thank you for everything. And I'm sorry that you've met a huge failure like me, who didn't know how to appreciate you, love you, in the way you want it done. But listen to me, the best revenge you can give me is by being happy with someone else. It always works. I hope you'll be better.

Love, Alynn ♥

Older, Hopefully Wiser

I'm 25 years old today! Got cake from Min and Nisa, thank you. We're always gonna stick together until the end, right? Until I bid the company goodbye soon, hahaha, kidding. Got all good wishes from my family, my friends and some people. I wish the same good things for all of them too. I hope I’ve learned enough from my past experiences and make more reasonable decisions in future, not solely based on sentiments or feelings. Anyway, I've been slowly dumping my bad habit that I've been wanting to get rid off since forever. Can't tell you what it is, but I'm finally at peace now and I’m doing so good, you have no idea! The break up part was a wake-up call, that's when I start to do better for myself. As in return, good things slowly come to me, H for example. I have to admit that he's the highlight of my birthday this year, the actual reason of why I'm gonna consider it's precious than ever. Guess we're all still acting young and bold, aren't we? I hope I also getting wiser and braver as I'm turning another year older. What else? I think that should be enough. This has been an exhausting day, 'cause I fought against the menstrual cramps every seconds it hit me, and I've been running back and forth at the office today. Goodnight now, write to you soon !

♥

Blue Moon's On The Rise

Before you get mad at reading this (in case you found my blog again), I'm sorry that I sneakily took your picture from behind and I'm sorry that I went against your wish by writing this. I just can't help it. I was kinda excited to see you again after 6 years you've gone, completely walked out of my life. If I'm being honest, I've already let go every inch of memories that I had of you. But I figured, a one-time meet up wouldn't change anything. In fact, I'm already a single lady, so yeah. Here I am, saying yes to a quick catch up session with you, getting all the answers to my doubts and curious from the past few years. Anyway, I would've called it as a reunion instead of a date. He's still so hard to figure out, unpredictable, seems heartless. He's like a book that I would find so interesting to start read it, but so hard to keep reading it until the end. I don't know. But when he opened up to me things that he never tell anybody else but his trusted people only, I started to think different of him. I felt relieved, a bit proud to finally recognize a glance of his flaws. Oh pfft! I'm not gonna start liking him again. Definitely not gonna let history keeps on repeating. Nah-uh! The past has taught me a lot! One of it was to stay away from this robot guy and I shall keep my distance. Whatever! Thanks for the food, if only I wasn't on the first day of my period, I would've finished them in seconds. I had a good time, considering tomorrow is my birthday, this has been a nice surprise, I think. I better be careful now.

♥

What A Time

I thought to write on my birthday, but something happened and I guess I have to write it here. I got a chocolate Cadbury with a love letter from someone at work. He's basically telling everyone that he's interested in me. I'm a bit uncomfortable, but well, I just friend with him. Not giving too much of attention or even hope. That doesn't end there. Even few makciks were trying to match me up with their sons, who never make any move on me. Now that's truly burdensome. Heh, like I care. Then a few days ago, the Hi Melati on Twitter was looking for me. It's somebody who provides you a surprise service from the third party. She said that an anonymous would like to give me a ring as a gift, and that she was not in place to break the secret by telling who is it. A bit suspicious to the point that I did some kind of research of the service. Turns out it's real so I gave cooperation that she needed. That's it. I think it's probably M's doing, since he gave me a necklace before. But when I think again, no, it wasn't him, judging the way we ended up fighting before.

Okay, now is the big time bombshell for me, and for whoever read this. My long gone ex-boyfriend Haziq came back into my life again. It took me by surprise to see that he requested to follow me on Instagram and started to say hi again. Well, I actually tried to do it once ago, but then I retreat my move. Do you know what's the worst thing that I never expect to happen, but it still happened? He read my blog this entire time! He read everything, including the post that I wrote about him. I just...goshhh...I don't know if I'm really stupid or if he's really lucky to find my blog. I don't know how to react on that. I don't know how to express this into words. He even told me not to write about his comeback but I'm still gonna do it, I've changed my link anyway so he will not be able to find it again. He wasn't supposed to know everything! He's probably witnessed every level of my stupidity back in the past. Perhaps he'll think I'm weird, or too hard to deal with, or just plain boring and stupid. Ugh, seriously, it's so embarassing! But apart from that issue, he finally opened up to me about one thing. I can't tell you here, I've promised to keep his secret. But I'm glad that he's fully recovered from it now, and I feel sorry for not knowing and understand his condition before. In spite of everything that happened, we're friends now.

♥