Tonight, I put everything in a box. All proclamations of love, the notes, poems, hopes and promises. Although you aren't dead, we are no longer alive. The fire that once burned bright in our hearts has been spent. The ashes taken away by the new wind. I set myself up for pain and misery in rewind. To realize that I'm the only one suffering and being haunted by memories and being lulled by tears to sleep at night. You probably don't even know how pathetic I think of myself every time I make and then break my own rules and self-imposed limitations. I try not to go over the safe zone I've created, but then I irrevocably love a person to the point I question my own sanity. And slowly I ended up swallowing up my own crap. I have a need. A need to write it down, to get my feelings on this space so I have something that I can hold on to. Because I am confused, so very confused, wandering around a dark room not knowing why or how I ended up in it. Like a cliché. So many stories that I read are applicable to mine, but still I feel a need to write my own story down, a substitute is just not good enough.
How do you prepare yourself for the worst heartbreak ever? I'm sitting here counting down the days until my heart rips into pieces. Yes, I've been here before. I know I did this to myself, by keep letting my heart open to chances and fall deeper into love, but it's still going to be the hardest, most impossible thing to get over someone. I knew I would be so deeply in love and that someday it was going to come to an end. I'm happy I took the risk, because after living my life fearful of feeling emotion for so long, I finally learned that it's not worth it to hide from it. They said to give in, because you honestly only have so much time to experience it all, life's too short. But right now, I had no idea if I should have the ability to care anymore. There is something holding me back. Whether or not this will happen again, I can't know. Jumping in head first brought me more pain that I ever thought imaginable. I needed to share this with someone, so I'll share it with you. I have always been a true believer in love but for now, I think my time is over.
♥
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