What Has Been Written Previously, As A Draft

I’m a runner by nature. As in, when things start to get serious, when they start to feel permanent, I try to leave the man I'm with. This one is pretty much perfect. Funny, considerate, affectionate, generous, head over heels in love with me. So in love with me, that it scares me. How can he gets so invested? He says he wants to build his life around me. The thought scares me. I'm down to earth, practical, a career first kind of girl. I wanted to build my life around a place, a job, a career. Once all that has settled, I figured I would meet someone and fall in love and maybe even settle down. But love happened first. And now I'm unsure whether to keep it. Unsure because the longer I am with him, the more in love with me he is, and all the while I'm not sure if I will stay here. Maybe I’ll travel, maybe I’ll pursue my studies, maybe I’ll take a job across the continent or even the world. I'm unsure if he fits into those plans or not. And because I’m afraid, because he is blameless, I have started picking little fights, being stand-offish, secretly hoping to send him over the edge and force him to break up with me, because I’m too cowardly to be the bad guy. But I can’t push him away like how I did with my previous lovers, because he sees through it, and holds me tight. It fills me with happiness and breaks my heart all at the same time.

So to the people that are like me, and run away when they get scared of the intensity of their feelings or the feelings of the one they’re with, what do you do? Did you regret running away? Or was it better for you in the long run, and less hurtful to the person you left?

To the people that got left behind, do you wish he or she had stayed? Or was leaving you the best thing they ever did for you in the end?

I just wanna put it out there that it’s not that I feel I don’t deserve to be loved. I’m just not sure if this is the time or place to be in so deep. I'm afraid how madly and selflessly he loves me. It’s like I’m his air or something. It’s frightening, but thrilling.

But in the end, it's over.

♥

Melaka Trip

I'm finally home after a week spent at Melaka for attending a National Sales Meeting with the whole team across Malaysia. Really miss my bed and my family! Practically, it was my first time joining such event. Sofi wanted me to get used to it since I gotta takeover her job responsibilities by end of March. Scared shit! There'll be another meeting on April, it seems like I have to handle it well by my own. Anyway, as our meeting ended, I walked around Melaka with Nisa and Min, we took soooooo many good photos especially in Encore Melaka. Didn't know such place exists. Okay, enough with a short fun, next week will be hectic for us. Gotta be ready for it. Till I write again, then, see ya! Hmm, I feel like I've gained few kg(s), not good!

♥

Sudden Reminiscence of A

I have so many regrets. If I could go back and do things over, I would change everything. From the start, I would tell you how much you meant to me. Fuck ‘clingyness’. I would be honest. I’d tell you about how much I liked your hair and your funny, awkward little jokes and pretty cute smiles, and popped up veins on your hands and the way your voice make my stomach flip flop and my heart flustered. What else would I redo? I’d tell you why I was sad. Why I was hurting. Why I was scared. I’d tell you about how sometimes I just wanted to be alone and listen to music. I’d tell you about how terrified I was of conformity, of being weak and vulnerable. Then, when I was done telling you all that, I’d ask you to take care of me. “Take care of me, okay?” I’d say, and you’d say yes and keep me company and I’d feel safe. 

I think I scared you a lot. By nature, I’m unpredictable. I change everyday. You wanted to be secure, you wanted me to tell you all those things that I never did, because deep down you knew it wasn’t the same for me. Sometimes I’d be all over you, telling you stories, laughing at your jokes. But in a heartbeat I’d be different. I’d be introverted, reserved. I’d look at you for long moments like I was lost. Like I didn’t know how I got there. I wished every day that I could be as certain as you were. All those things I regret? All those things I wish I’d said? At the time, I wanted to tell you. I wanted to say everything. But I was scared. I was scared that you might think I was clingy if I told you that I want you. I was scared that you might think I was indecisive. I was scared to look vulnerable and immature and naïve if I told you my morals.

I wish that I hadn’t been so afraid. I wish I’d trusted you. I’m glad we had each other. I’m glad you learned to love someone new now. I’m glad we were happy. I’m glad that you trusted me and respected me. I can’t settle for anything less now. And that’s scary, and sad, but it’s okay because one day I know that someone else will come along and care about me more or just much as you did. And he’s here now. And with him, I’m certain. I’m as sure as you were with me. He’ll change my life like I changed yours, he’ll make me see everything differently and I won’t be afraid to make mistakes with him. And then he’ll break my heart like I broke yours, and you can laugh at me if you want, I deserve it.

You taught me not to be scared.

♥

What's New?

Happy New Year! I hope it's not too late to say that. So I've been away for a few weeks 'cause I've been busy with work, and I got sick ever since I came back from Kelantan. It's been one hell of a week now, still not recovered from all the coughs and I still don't get my voice back, which is pretty sucks! I'm going to be a lot busier this month so I really need to get well quickly. Anyway, let's not break the tradition of having another new year, I'm about to write down my resolutions now, brace yourself! So, my resolutions for this year is...just the same as the ones from last year. Haha! Actually looking back now, I'm so thankful for everything that happened in 2018. People come and go, only the loyal ones stayed. For the lovers that got away from me, well, I guess thanks to you, I learned few tricks to make myself stronger than the first day you know me. I'm so grateful for another job opportunity that He gave me, oh dear I really prayed a lot for it. Frankly speaking, I prayed for something better, but what I currently have now is quite a good start. So yeah, what else now. My parents still love me, my friends still by my side, and I'm happy.

♥