Sudden Reminiscence of A

I have so many regrets. If I could go back and do things over, I would change everything. From the start, I would tell you how much you meant to me. Fuck ‘clingyness’. I would be honest. I’d tell you about how much I liked your hair and your funny, awkward little jokes and pretty cute smiles, and popped up veins on your hands and the way your voice make my stomach flip flop and my heart flustered. What else would I redo? I’d tell you why I was sad. Why I was hurting. Why I was scared. I’d tell you about how sometimes I just wanted to be alone and listen to music. I’d tell you about how terrified I was of conformity, of being weak and vulnerable. Then, when I was done telling you all that, I’d ask you to take care of me. “Take care of me, okay?” I’d say, and you’d say yes and keep me company and I’d feel safe. 

I think I scared you a lot. By nature, I’m unpredictable. I change everyday. You wanted to be secure, you wanted me to tell you all those things that I never did, because deep down you knew it wasn’t the same for me. Sometimes I’d be all over you, telling you stories, laughing at your jokes. But in a heartbeat I’d be different. I’d be introverted, reserved. I’d look at you for long moments like I was lost. Like I didn’t know how I got there. I wished every day that I could be as certain as you were. All those things I regret? All those things I wish I’d said? At the time, I wanted to tell you. I wanted to say everything. But I was scared. I was scared that you might think I was clingy if I told you that I want you. I was scared that you might think I was indecisive. I was scared to look vulnerable and immature and naïve if I told you my morals.

I wish that I hadn’t been so afraid. I wish I’d trusted you. I’m glad we had each other. I’m glad you learned to love someone new now. I’m glad we were happy. I’m glad that you trusted me and respected me. I can’t settle for anything less now. And that’s scary, and sad, but it’s okay because one day I know that someone else will come along and care about me more or just much as you did. And he’s here now. And with him, I’m certain. I’m as sure as you were with me. He’ll change my life like I changed yours, he’ll make me see everything differently and I won’t be afraid to make mistakes with him. And then he’ll break my heart like I broke yours, and you can laugh at me if you want, I deserve it.

You taught me not to be scared.

♥