What Has Been Written Previously, As A Draft

I’m a runner by nature. As in, when things start to get serious, when they start to feel permanent, I try to leave the man I'm with. This one is pretty much perfect. Funny, considerate, affectionate, generous, head over heels in love with me. So in love with me, that it scares me. How can he gets so invested? He says he wants to build his life around me. The thought scares me. I'm down to earth, practical, a career first kind of girl. I wanted to build my life around a place, a job, a career. Once all that has settled, I figured I would meet someone and fall in love and maybe even settle down. But love happened first. And now I'm unsure whether to keep it. Unsure because the longer I am with him, the more in love with me he is, and all the while I'm not sure if I will stay here. Maybe I’ll travel, maybe I’ll pursue my studies, maybe I’ll take a job across the continent or even the world. I'm unsure if he fits into those plans or not. And because I’m afraid, because he is blameless, I have started picking little fights, being stand-offish, secretly hoping to send him over the edge and force him to break up with me, because I’m too cowardly to be the bad guy. But I can’t push him away like how I did with my previous lovers, because he sees through it, and holds me tight. It fills me with happiness and breaks my heart all at the same time.

So to the people that are like me, and run away when they get scared of the intensity of their feelings or the feelings of the one they’re with, what do you do? Did you regret running away? Or was it better for you in the long run, and less hurtful to the person you left?

To the people that got left behind, do you wish he or she had stayed? Or was leaving you the best thing they ever did for you in the end?

I just wanna put it out there that it’s not that I feel I don’t deserve to be loved. I’m just not sure if this is the time or place to be in so deep. I'm afraid how madly and selflessly he loves me. It’s like I’m his air or something. It’s frightening, but thrilling.

But in the end, it's over.

♥