Virginity All Gone

Heads up, this is an intimate post that I'm about to write. I've heard many stories of how ladies had bad moments of losing their virginity, and it made me wonder how will I lose mine. The first night me and Syazwan sleep on the same bed together, I was on my period. He caressed my hair softly that I could feel the warmth coming from his hands. Or perhaps it was coming from our bodies that got closed to each other. He kissed my forehead and touched my cheeks. Gently kissed my lips for the first time, have to say, I got turned on by that so I kissed him back. That's when I learned how to french kiss. He grabbed my boobs and got on top of me. Never thought he's that sexy enough to bite my clothes and pull it up, so that he could suck my tits. I couldn't help but to moan, safely, worried my parents would heard me. Ahh, writing this all makes my heart beats faster. We couldn't have sex actually, until the 2nd day of our honeymoon when my period already gone.

I remember he tried to lick my pussy under the blanket while his hands grabbed my boobs pretty good. But the most awkward and embarassing moment for us two was when he tried to put his dick into me. It hurts so bad that I pushed him away with my feet, he was upset by that. I was dead ass worried that perhaps something is so wrong with me, perhaps sex isn't for me. But after several pillow talk sessions, we agreed to start it off with fingering. It still hurts but a lot less than previous one. He did fingered me so well that made my pussy wet. Imagine that he spanked me hard and my pussy just got wetter. He be rough with me, picked me up and push me against the hotel window. He then again fingered me from behind, took turns with spanking my ass till it got red, pulling my hair and kissed my neck so hard. I screamed in pleasure so loud. I think he got turned on by that cuz he whispered to me "nakalnya", and spanked me over and over again. He threw my body back to bed and I was in a doggy position.

He continued on spanking me, and got on my back. Mind you his finger is still in my hot wet pussy. He then pounded me that it made his finger got in so deep in my pussy. I screamed so loud, cuz it felt so good that I ended up wetting the bed sheet. He talked dirty to my ears, telling me "sexynya, I want to fuck you". But then after few minutes of hot pounding, I could feel drops of water on my back, and it got on my hair and my face when I tried to turn around. Yes, he came. I laughed a lot cuz it was funny, seeing him that way. He came off shy afterwards, cuz he didn't let me know in advance. So cute, my handsome baby is cute too. I was glad we're taking it slow and at least passed the first step. I had to tell you my pussy bled a little afterwards and I bet it was my virginity. He repeated the same good thing to me the next morning, in front of the bathroom mirror as well. He let me see my face when I was horny. He was right, I really looked sexy and I didn't know that. The night we were in Cameron, We decided to try put his dick into my pussy. Slowly he put it in, but it still hurts. It was just that this time I didn't pushed him away. I let him do it slowly. We got it in a bit, but we didn't continue to finish it off cuz by the time he wanted to fuck me, he already got all tired by the fingering session. Up until today, we haven't fucked properly cuz I was too busy enjoying his finger. But if you ask me now, I want more, I want him to fuck me hard on bed till I scream out loud in pleasure, till he came inside my hot wet pussy. I want a whole lot more, but I'm too shy to ask him for it.

Coming in to the third week of this marriage now, we did had few misunderstandings and I did cried so much because of it. I had to admit that I was about to give this all up, like I can't do it anymore and I want to stop. But I'm glad that I had the strength and courage to make amends with him. And of course, the make-up sex is the best part about it. Now that we speak of sex, right, deep down I hope he didn't do it solely just to make me feel good. I want him to do it because he loves me and because he wants to. I don't want to burden him with the kind of mindset like, making sure me having a good sex is his responsibility. That's just too uncomfortable to me. Because in my mind, I would love him to feel good and satisfy enough too. 

♥ 

Love Doesn't Change, We Do

And my heart is shattering like buildings and roads after an earthquake. Oh the tragedies every memory I have has to face at the moment, where do I begin? So many tiny things that can slide unnoticed, became magnified that I can see nothing else. Blinded, I've become by all this pain, all these questions and confusions of where I am, and where I'm heading or if I'm able to move at all. I wish I could have mastered the art of not giving a fuck, I would have gone through this better, but it doesn't seem like I could. He tried to sleep in a different room than I was in, again. But I did managed to force him out of there and make him lay next to me. I couldn't hold back my tears so I walked out and tried to breathe the night air at the balcony. But then he followed me from behind and pull my hands in, we started talking, finally. Turns out he was upset with my behavior from our dinner yesterday, he said I pushed him too much to go back my home, but I only asked him about it for 3 times. He even let everything out, I just sat there listening to each of his words. All about he never asked me to put him first, and whatnots.

I'm well aware by the fact that sons, especially the first born, carry huge responsibilities towards his own parents. I knew and I literally pinned that on my brain. Even before we started meeting our parents, I wouldn't want to make him choose between me or his family. Never, 'cuz I wouldn't want any of my brothers to do that to my mom as well. What actually hurts me first was the moment he responded to my request. "Ikut you la, nak balik, balik la". I get that he's annoyed, but it didn't have to be said like that. Not during our fancy delicious dinner. I just wish he could tolerate softly with me a bit, like give me time limit for 3 hours or however long he wishes, or put a condition if I settle the house chores fast, then it's a green light. It just didn't have to be harsh, I'd totally get his point that we need to clean our house first. But as he started sleeping outside, and refused to eat what I cooked for him, even it's not that tasty enough compared to his mom, that what makes me bottle up all the feelings inside. I'm frustrated that he probably know I'm sad, but he labelled it as sulking and never even try to comfort me. 

Pathetic, to stand in this alone, to walk through it alone. And I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to break things and break down, break out of this cage I've imprisoned my soul in. Yet, there's no point in any of this, no lessons to learn. To be filled with so many emotions all at once, all at the same exact instant in time, I feel paralyzed and unable to control or hold onto them, let alone to express them directly to his face. He kept on asking me to let it all out, but how could I tell him that I've grown tired of this marriage life. Of feeling stuck and lock up to such responsibilities and good wife commitments that I'm not used to yet. Of all the cryings caused by his words or actions, every single time bad communication happen between us. I'm tired and I have no strength to keep on walking this path with him. I love him every seconds of my breath, but all this is just too overwhelming for me. I feel like I could've done better, feel happier, if I were to love him from distance. 

A Night Alone

I never thought he would be the reason behind my tears dropped down my cheeks. Last night was the second time. The first one happened while we're on honeymoon, after we failed to have sex and he just walked away leaving me naked alone on bed. This time he refused to sleep in a same bed with me. Am I that disgusting to him? I don't know but what I know is he'd rather slept alone and I ain't that important to him. I started questioning that maybe I chose wrong, maybe this life is the wrong one for me. My feelings are valid and all I wanted was to go back home for a while, to see my lovely ones cuz I miss them so much. Life's been so tiring, work's been pressuring me up for self growth. I just need to have some play times with my Aysar and Adel. All because the fact that they love me no matter what, is what boost my self confidence, what makes me want to try harder and be better. Little pure souls are different than us, they had no idea how tough the world outside is, and how full of flaws myself is. Unknowingly, I already get used to run my way back to them to find peace in mind for a short while. But let's talk about what I feel now, is all disappointment, and lack of love towards the person I supposed to love wholeheartedly. It hasn't been a month yet we've already had arguments and cold silence for a couple times now. How do you think we're gonna last long like our parents'? No, we won't. Someday I will get used to being hurt, and comfort my own self. Someday he will get used to being hurt too, and walk away at times I need him most. I really don't see how our marriage gonna last long. If marriage and love could hurt this bad, perhaps someday I should go. I'd rather live a single life alone, cuz there's absolutely no way I would make myself cry, and I always gonna have my back no matter what. I have this thought that I was at fault too, for giving my whole self to somebody who knows how fragile I am, who knows how he affects me most. So you know what I should do from now on? Stop giving myself away! 

Love Me Harder

 

Alhamdulillah, on 4th June, I'm officially married to this amazing man here, Muhammad Syazwan Bin Safari. I'm more than happy with the decoration, hand bouquet, my nikah outfit, how my family looks pretty and handsome, the good food and all, except for my suddenly swollen left eye, and my ruined makeups as the day went hotter. I just deeply hope that the photos and videos turn out well and as good as I expected. I hope I don't look ugly in it. But no worries, my husband looks so handsome, as usual. Woah, now that saying 'my husband', it feels kinda weird but in a good way. I love him most, and I'm so very thankful to my whole family for making this day as beautiful as it supposed to be. Though got some hiccups here and there, but with their help, things just got better. My very close friends came to my wedding, not so many and I'd understand. 'Cuz Jeram is way too far from wherever they're staying. Yet only those who knows they're important to me, had come. Now that I'm someone's wife, gotta carry this huge responsibilities well. No more going out alone, or having the entire space that I needed. I guess.

We had our reception day on 5th June, on his side. Had to say it was overwhelming to stand and walk to the crowds. Be the center of attention. If I had a choice, I would've run away and refused to do that. His family is so big, so beautiful and so much in another level compared to mine myself. The thoughts of 'am I deserve to be a part of them' started eating me inside, hence the sudden clumsy and moody self coming out. That was then, but now I'm scared, I'm sad and worried, cuz I'm going to lose myself to someone else. By the time you're reading this now, I'm currently on a honeymoon with Syazwan. The first night we've been husband and wife, he kissed me good. Lucky I was on my period and I am still, we only spent the nights cuddling together. It was so nice. Once or twice we would've woke up in the middle of the night and started cuddling and kissing. One most important thing that I'm not ready yet is to lose my virginity. And it's going to happen probably tonight. Ugh I'm scared but I know he's very good with all the touching in bed! So good that I unknowingly starting to ask for more. If it happens tonight, I'll definitely write about it tomorrow. 

♥