Overreact

It's raining tonight, as it's always been like the previous nights. 10.00 pm has already be my favourite time of the night 'cause I get to feel closer to him, see his captivated cheeky smiles, listen to his blabbermouth. It's the least thing we can do for now. We talked everyday, the old me had always thought this kind of routine was a bore thing to do. But with him, I don't know how he does it, surprisingly he makes everything fun, and I feel like it's not enough. I've been wanting to say it, but I waited instead, to see if it's not just a foul feeling. Of all nights we've talked, I think tonight was a direct flick to my heart and my mind. He did mention before about his intention to study abroad, but the excitement he had on his face while telling me about it tonight just a bit different than before. I was like "that's great! you're gonna make it" yet I'm worried, scared, and sad. I worry if his dream really comes true, he's gonna be far away from me and I...he...Well he's definitely gonna forget about me slowly. It's human nature I guess. People usually would settle for something new something better. That makes me think again, it's an honor to know his dreams, every little thing he favors, every detailed plan he makes.

Plan, his future planning that doesn't seem to involve me at all. Now I see. How can I miss that important clue. Perhaps it's the hormone thingy, I just ended up staring at the ceiling, searching for a song to comfort my thoughts, and started crying. I wanna ask him every lingering questions that seem to bother me, but I'm embarrassed of myself, of my silly way of thinking. I mean, I can't wait for him that long, but I'm so scared of losing him, but this is like a reminder to myself that it's gonna hurt me someday, and I have to be ready for it, now or never. Hmm. I don't know what future holds, but it's okay. I did prayed for him to easily climb up the ladder he wants and live a life he yearns for. Even I'm not a part of it, I promise I'll be happy as long he's happy. Hope everything goes as he planned. Hope in every outcome, I'll be fine and strong.

♥

Odds

Can I have it all? I'm starting to be greedy. Selfish desire for him starts to rob my inner peace. It's not an obsession, right? I am not obsessed over him, I just don't wanna lose him. But the facts that I could easily let people go by mistake and the odds that he doesn't feel the same love as I do, are making me can't even sit still. Perhaps I should just worry less, like letting things flow its way, and don't even start begging or look desperate. Stop imagining a future with him, stop hoping he does the same, stop getting jealous. Most importantly stop being a pusher! Maybe I should purposely avoid talking to him for few times, be the sensible me again. Yeah I'm going to do that, hit the sack earlier than usual would save me from the guilt. Hmm. I wish, whenever I run out things to say, he'd be the kind of person who would just randomly say words that could calm down my thoughts and give assurance that nothing bad is gonna happen. Honest and sincere words, instead of pick-up lines on purpose. 'Cause I often overthink.

Anyway, did I write about the day I drove back from Semenyih to Jeram alone? Err yeah, that actually happened for the first time. My coward-ass can't even believe it but yeah. 'Cause the previous night before it happened, my mind weighed a lot with thoughts of "to do or not to do". I ended up driving back at 7 am, and praying that I wouldn't bump to any road block. When I safely arrived, the situation was like I just won a huge award or something. My parents welcomed me home with grateful eye smiles. Funny. Now don't you underestimate me, Mama. Heh. So basically I was back here again and I hope it's only until 6 Dec, last day of CMCO. Please don't extend it any longer, I wanna go home, wanna meet my friends :( Lots of catching up session to do. I just got the news that Balqis is pregnant! Guess all the 'first night techniques' she shared with all of us before really worth it. Hahaha!

♥

Uncover The Lone

"Guess what, I'm stucked in Kampung for almost three weeks 'cause apparently we're facing the third wave of Covid19 and now back to CMCO, again. Everyone's struggling, yep. I just don't understand why people with power and high positions didn't really take their responsibilities well, right the wrongs. Hm, politicians are indeed exasperating. Anyway. I'm not that happy nor sad to live here in a new house with my parents. I understand well of a saying "a home is not a place, but rather the people you love". I kinda disagreed. All I remember is our only one home. The place where basically memories of growing up with my siblings and got scolded by our parents been forged. The place where I woke up late in the morning and ran downstairs to see if the people I love is going anywhere. The place where I'd rather be in gloomy days, especially when I was battling within myself. Smells of my room, my own space where I could be myself without any harsh judgement. I mean, I don't like to stay in a new place, it doesn't feel good enough. I don't know if it's the weather, or the empty spaces that supposedly to be filled by my siblings but they're not here and can't be here. I just wanna go home, really."

That was my draft 3 days ago. I'm actually home now since Saturday, alone. Feel sucks 'cause no one's here. I've actually cried all night yesterday, overthinking stuffs like what if I really ended up being alone. What if someday people I love, like my parents for example, been taken away from me forever. What if my siblings stop giving a damn about me and live their own lives to the fullest. I'm scared. I'm so scared. If those happen, I might actually do anything to end my own life 'cause that'll be the most devastating state I would be in. Hmm. Even writing it all now make my eyes teary. Well, fine. Home is the people you love, also, the place where you grew up in. Agreed with that? Okay good. Anyway, I've actually decided to stay in the company and basically today is my first day as a permanent staff. A weekend though. Alright now, I'm thinking to just keep this job for at least another 6 months. Or until Covid19 truly ends, then that's it.

♥