Freeze

How do you begin to tell someone what they mean to you? Or how much they mean to you? It's easy when I think of the "I should'ves" and "could'ves" looking back now, but when the time comes, I freeze. I guess 'cause I loved the guarantee that if I didn't speak, then I could always stay close to you. Even if it was just as a best friend. Such a twisted thought, but I knew deep in my heart somehow I always wanted you to be a part of my life. And now, I've messed ALL that up. My mind’s just saying that you’ll find somebody better and my heart aches because the possibility of it being true is so high. This is why I don’t wanna love, why I’m so scared to love because there seems to be reasons why they don’t work and I just get exhausted from all the tears and frustration and only to build my confidence just to have it broken down. I wanna keep trying and trying, but I’m too tired. Sometimes, I just wanna know if I’m going to be alone or am I going to be with somebody? Because I’m tired, I’m so tired and . . . what hurts the most was being so close.
The misconception that you just wanted to be "friends" forced me to think, I needed to step back. To allow you to find what you were looking for cause no matter how much I wanted there to be an 'us', I wasn't gonna jeopardize your happiness. Maybe that was the heroic thing to do. Not to be selfish (although I wish I could be). But I feel much like the villain. I lost your trust and I have no excuses. I don't want to try and make any either. I just want you to know (in your heart somehow) that I think about you all the time and like I said before you're not easily forgotten. It's embarrassing that I cannot be strong enough to tell you this but I can write it all down on a screen you will never see. This is my comfort zone, for now, so this'll have to do. And secretly, the little brave part left inside of me, is silently telling you:
I loved us.
I've missed us.
♥

Chocolate Cream Chip

11 years of friendship and still counting. Maynnn how time passed us fast! Even with the girls, I've been knowing them since I was 10 or 12 if I'm not mistaken ! Thanks to some people like you, and the rest of Hanama who would never leave or hate me despites all of my imperfections and act of annoyance. We fought, we dissed, we laughed, we talked, we cried. But I'm glad that we're always find our way back to each other. I'm much happier too, to see my girls blooming with their lovers.

♥

White Fences And Green People

Hey! I just got home after spent my Raya at Kuala Selangor with the fams. Oh God. Now I really wish to be unemployed and stay as a country girl for the rest of my life. Hey I've successfully cooked one lauk for everyone together with Adda, which was a good achievement, yet a messy one, but still taste good hahaha. I was so happy! So much happier together with my grandma, my cousins, my aunts and uncles. And that happiness is ruined in a split second when I realized that I gotta come back to work on Tuesday! Anyway, despites all sorts of bitterness that we faced along this year, we did apologized to each other on pagi Raya, likewise. So now I'm about to do the same things to you guys too. Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin. Forgive me for all my wrongdoings, if I ever hurt you in a way I could never imagined or I never intended to, sorry, from the bottom of my heart. Even if I ever got mad at you, believe me it just lasted for a day or two, and at least it was for a good reason! Hehe okay let's just move forward and never look back on bad things. I wasn't real good in holding a grudge for too long anyway. So, I wish you guys having a happy raya, may Allah bless whoever reads this, and your family as well. I'm gonna have to help mama planning for a openhouse later, specially hold for the family-in-laws to be, so she said. I'll catch up with you again on the next post mmmkay? See ya!

♥

Sick Of It

I'm back again. It's merely a month since I'm working here. I just, can't really say it when Mama asked me "okay kerja?" or "best kerja situ?" I don't know. So far is good, nothing special, nothing excites me, but I still don't know what future holds for me. All I know is I'm proud of myself to be here solely on my own efforts. No more labelled as someone who gets to work at a place where I got help from my own relatives or so. You know, today Allen was questioning why finance dept doesn't take me in, taking my academic background into consideration. Oh goodness, believe me I wonder the same thing too. But nevermind, they said the place is already full. So I'm just telling myself that I'm only gonna keep learning and doing all of those 'things' for a year, then I'll chiaw la from there. In the meantime, I'll keep cooperating and applying for some other jobs as well. Anyways, few hours ago I actually felt annoyed with Ayah. He's always the same hot-tempered guy and he can never be changed! I was so worn out today, so when I came back home and wanted to use my toilet as usual, you know what I saw? My toilet seat has gone! Macam kelakar en, tapi seriously, I know no one else is crazy enough to pull off such thing except him. He told us to put it up straight after use it. I don't get it! It's not like we're leaving it dirty. Most importantly, it's not like we've been using his toilet, NO! We used ours in our own bathrooms! So what's the big deal? Kenapa tah sampai dia cabut toilet seat aku.

♥