Love Doesn't Change, We Do

And my heart is shattering like buildings and roads after an earthquake. Oh the tragedies every memory I have has to face at the moment, where do I begin? So many tiny things that can slide unnoticed, became magnified that I can see nothing else. Blinded, I've become by all this pain, all these questions and confusions of where I am, and where I'm heading or if I'm able to move at all. I wish I could have mastered the art of not giving a fuck, I would have gone through this better, but it doesn't seem like I could. He tried to sleep in a different room than I was in, again. But I did managed to force him out of there and make him lay next to me. I couldn't hold back my tears so I walked out and tried to breathe the night air at the balcony. But then he followed me from behind and pull my hands in, we started talking, finally. Turns out he was upset with my behavior from our dinner yesterday, he said I pushed him too much to go back my home, but I only asked him about it for 3 times. He even let everything out, I just sat there listening to each of his words. All about he never asked me to put him first, and whatnots.

I'm well aware by the fact that sons, especially the first born, carry huge responsibilities towards his own parents. I knew and I literally pinned that on my brain. Even before we started meeting our parents, I wouldn't want to make him choose between me or his family. Never, 'cuz I wouldn't want any of my brothers to do that to my mom as well. What actually hurts me first was the moment he responded to my request. "Ikut you la, nak balik, balik la". I get that he's annoyed, but it didn't have to be said like that. Not during our fancy delicious dinner. I just wish he could tolerate softly with me a bit, like give me time limit for 3 hours or however long he wishes, or put a condition if I settle the house chores fast, then it's a green light. It just didn't have to be harsh, I'd totally get his point that we need to clean our house first. But as he started sleeping outside, and refused to eat what I cooked for him, even it's not that tasty enough compared to his mom, that what makes me bottle up all the feelings inside. I'm frustrated that he probably know I'm sad, but he labelled it as sulking and never even try to comfort me. 

Pathetic, to stand in this alone, to walk through it alone. And I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to break things and break down, break out of this cage I've imprisoned my soul in. Yet, there's no point in any of this, no lessons to learn. To be filled with so many emotions all at once, all at the same exact instant in time, I feel paralyzed and unable to control or hold onto them, let alone to express them directly to his face. He kept on asking me to let it all out, but how could I tell him that I've grown tired of this marriage life. Of feeling stuck and lock up to such responsibilities and good wife commitments that I'm not used to yet. Of all the cryings caused by his words or actions, every single time bad communication happen between us. I'm tired and I have no strength to keep on walking this path with him. I love him every seconds of my breath, but all this is just too overwhelming for me. I feel like I could've done better, feel happier, if I were to love him from distance. 

A Night Alone

I never thought he would be the reason behind my tears dropped down my cheeks. Last night was the second time. The first one happened while we're on honeymoon, after we failed to have sex and he just walked away leaving me naked alone on bed. This time he refused to sleep in a same bed with me. Am I that disgusting to him? I don't know but what I know is he'd rather slept alone and I ain't that important to him. I started questioning that maybe I chose wrong, maybe this life is the wrong one for me. My feelings are valid and all I wanted was to go back home for a while, to see my lovely ones cuz I miss them so much. Life's been so tiring, work's been pressuring me up for self growth. I just need to have some play times with my Aysar and Adel. All because the fact that they love me no matter what, is what boost my self confidence, what makes me want to try harder and be better. Little pure souls are different than us, they had no idea how tough the world outside is, and how full of flaws myself is. Unknowingly, I already get used to run my way back to them to find peace in mind for a short while. But let's talk about what I feel now, is all disappointment, and lack of love towards the person I supposed to love wholeheartedly. It hasn't been a month yet we've already had arguments and cold silence for a couple times now. How do you think we're gonna last long like our parents'? No, we won't. Someday I will get used to being hurt, and comfort my own self. Someday he will get used to being hurt too, and walk away at times I need him most. I really don't see how our marriage gonna last long. If marriage and love could hurt this bad, perhaps someday I should go. I'd rather live a single life alone, cuz there's absolutely no way I would make myself cry, and I always gonna have my back no matter what. I have this thought that I was at fault too, for giving my whole self to somebody who knows how fragile I am, who knows how he affects me most. So you know what I should do from now on? Stop giving myself away!