Negative In Disguise

Looking back few days ago, I was okay. Speaking of which, I had another meet-up with him. He picked me up and I was more calm than before. Been brainwashed myself into thinking that perhaps he's not into me, perhaps what we have here is merely friendship, perhaps he's too good for me, perhaps I'm not good enough for him. So yeah, that explains why my heart beats in deafening silence. But I still like the view of him standing in front of me. Sitting beside me. Smiling mischievously. Speaking confidently. Ordering food for me. But again, I had to remind myself that he's not even mine to keep.

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Why Am I Like This?

If I undress my mind right now, all you can see is my worries. Overthinking tiny stuffs really one of the bad habits that I should get rid of. I've been thinking hard what to do with my life if I stop working. I'd be the real loser, 'cause I don't have any talent. But it's not that bad, I mean look at my friend Tasha. Pretty sure I envy of her current unemployed life right now, travel around, having fun. Hm. I don't even have any kind of lovely emotions at the moment, or strength that I need. I don't even know how to hype myself up. How do even people do that? Basically I'm lost and I don't know how to find my way. Like unsure of my purpose of living, again. Ok, maybe that's way out of the context. Anyway, this is just another boring stuff to write about. Been having headache since past few days. See, I told you I think too hard at times, but I didn't take actions, which is kinda pathetic. Maybe I don't wanna go back to office again. I don't wanna live the life that I'm very much likely to run away from. You know what? I potentially will avoid myself from everyone I know, if I decided to be unemployed someday. 'Cause that moment will be the least thing I am proud to show, yet the happiest state of body and mind that I would be in. So, if you notice I'm faded away from you, it's not because I hate you, or you bored me, or I get lazy. It's just me not showing you the most pathetic state of myself. And I surely am not thirst for any pity. Ughhhhh, thought writing could ease me up, but guess I'm gonna have to do what I'm best at. Just keep on struggling in my surrender.

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