I wonder if maybe this is freedom, a chance for me to keep breathing. Perhaps it's just another lie to put my heart at ease. I spent my evening at the end of July with a close friend, talked over break-ups, work and all that. I think I told her how tired I've gotten, of praying what I wanted, of how I thought that maybe He didn't hear my prayers, that explained why things didn't really go my way these days. Started to lose interest of doa and all I could say I'm close to giving up even on myself. But she said something wise that seemed to be etched in my mind from then onwards. "Whatever happens, teruskan berdoa. You've gotta trust Him dan jangan buruk sangka dengan Allah", I was taken aback actually, 'cause I realized I was wrong. I'm sorry, will shoo away the bad thoughts now, off you go! I have to reboot myself, and build again my own secret garden with high walls that no one could climb it so easily after this. Nope. No more letting myself get hurt again. Though I'm a hundred percent sure that I warned every single guy I met, of how complicated it will be with me. They were okay only in the beginning. No one couldn't stand it right through the end. That's just simply proved that none of them were right for me, or maybe the other way around.
Anyway, so here we are. My birth month is finally here and I can't believe that I'm turning 25 years old soon. Why so fast now, I don't wanna be old! And I just realized that 1st August was a National Girlfriend Day. I mean, since when such thing exist? It was kinda ridiculous but I still celebrated it with my usual girls. We planned to watch Crawl, but all tickets were sold out. Blame the latecomer like us. Improvised the day instead by walking around the mall just to kill time until night appeared. Shopped some girl stuffs, had dinner, took pictures, laughed and laughed, got back in the car to go home. Played several sad songs on our way home that would remind us of our failing lovers, sigh. Opened up what's been hidden in our hearts this whole time. Except for me, I wasn't ready to say anything. I just settled with "I'm fine". I'm done thinking why he didn't at least apologize to me for being rude or give me a proper goodbye text that I deserved. Asshole! What else? Oh I've been driving myself to work everyday since two weeks ago. Kinda scary at first but I found out I'm alright with everything, except that I had to spent more pennies on the petrol and tolls and whatnots. Okay now I finally understand how hard it has been to other people. How am I gonna save a huge amount of money now, damn it! Not enough of that, I still need to decorate my room.
I'm thinking to take a day off on my birthday, but I don't know where to go. Ikea sounds great, but I gotta find somebody to keep me company. Hmm. You know what's stupid? I've been thinking to spend two days celebrating our birthdays together, but things have ended between us, so. I'm feeling sorry to myself.
♥
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