Legal

He almost got me weak in the knees. Of all the temptations I've faced in my entire life, this one was indeed among the toughest ones that I've battled myself with. It even almost surpassed the food porn that left me drooling. Ok, just kidding. Food porn always on the top of everything, my diet always comes to an end because of it. That can't be helped. Anyway. Thanks to his sincere apology, I'm all relieved now and not holding dark emotions towards him anymore. I just need some time alone, to solve the puzzles in my head, to figure out what I'm capable of and what I deserve for. It gets very confusing everytime I try to think of the most possible way that can make things better. I really have no clue. All that I know is, I'm scared of another failure. I'm scared of what love can do to me. It always gives me more bitter than sweet memories, always.
♥

Awakening

Since I left you, mine eye is in my mind;

And that which governs me to go about

Doth part his function and is partly blind,

Seems seing, but effectually is out;

For it no form delivers to the heart

Of bird, of flower, or shape which it doth latch;

Of his quick objects hath the mind no part,

Nor his own vision holds what it doth catch;

For if it see the rud'st or gentlest sight,

The most sweet favour or deformed'st creature,

The mountain or the sea, the day or night,

The crow, or dove, it shapes them to your feature;

Incapable of more, replete with you,

My most true mind thus maketh mine eye untrue.

-Shakespeare's Sonnet 113


Like falling raindrops on the window tonight, my mind is getting stained by you. I want to hide everything, but I can't hide my heartbeat. In retrospect I'm at a standstill, 'cause I always have a heavy heart and my farewell has slow steps. I try erasing but I can't seem to erase certain parts of you until now. I try to forget but it seems like everything is an endless pain to me. Truth. I'd like to live happily from this day onwards. No more feel longing for someone who doesn't feel the exact same way as I do. So please, leave me alone.

♥

Breakeven

Why do you have to find me back when I'm halfway there of forgetting you?

Why do you have to keep messing around with my heart when it's the one thing that I'm counting on?

Why do you treat me like I'm nothing but a piece of shit?

Aren't you satisfied enough for making me hurt and also getting hurt?

Aren't you living much happier without me by your side?

Isn't this what you ever wanted?

I had enough with all that down in the dumps since the day you left me. I couldn't easily forget it nor pretend like it never happened. You really had the balls for calling me out of the blue, laughing, joking around, talking to me like you did nothing wrong. There wasn't even a "sorry" coming out from your mouth. How could you.

♥

Can't Hurry Love

Life has been good to me so far, even though there are times when I feel so bored at home without any productive things to do on weekends, that's when I really do miss my high school mates the most. But well you know, it's time for a new chapter in my life and there's no turning back. I'm restraining myself from going out at night lepaking somewhere else too often now. Except for playing badminton, that's no doubt, a good excuse. Trying to put mom's heart at ease, 'cause she's somehow keep freaking out, afraid that people will talk about how not nice it is for anak dara to hangout at mamak late at night. Sigh. Okay okay. I get it.

So I've once been told to learn to give and take chances just because I said I don't have a boyfriend, and all I did was laugh. You know why? Because I gave chances and even took chances. Not once, not twice. But still things just didn't work out the way I hoped for, it was just not meant to be. I'm not saying that I've lost hope in love or I've stopped believing in chances. I'm just not in love and have no interest in rushing things at the moment. It's not always about the fear of getting myself hurt. I try to keep my distance because I'm afraid that I might end up hurting them instead. I know exactly how it feels, it would be really unfair to him.

Believe it or not guys, if you look around and pay more attention, not all the single ladies out there are miserable. I know I'm not. Even sometimes when I used the Forever Alone phrase, I wasn't dead serious about it. Yes, the feeling when you're in love is indescribable but it doesn't mean you need to be in a relationship just to be happy because the love that you get almost every single day from your family and friends is already enough. Even though there are times you might feel a little lonely, that's normal. Lonely, not desperate ok. You can still be happy and enjoy your life even when you're single, unless you just went through a rough break up then I understand, it takes time to heal and get right back on track.

Remember, love is a very special thing, you can't rush that. Sometimes feelings grow slowly and some people fall in love at first sight. Different people, different soul mates, different ways. You should also avoid pushing or forcing someone to love you back, you might scare them off or annoy them. Anyway, I can't deny that I've a huge ego and I tend to shut people out sometimes, what I've been through in my past made me who I am today. One thing that I've learned over the past few years is that you don't need someone who doesn't need you. Keep that in mind. However, I do believe the walls I have built around myself can be broken down when the right guy comes. And before that happens, I'm not going to run around, feeling sorry for myself, accept a random guy I barely know and change my facebook status to "married" straight away. Nope.

For now, I am stuck at home. Lol. I don't even know if any of this is making any sense to you but I hope it does. This is what happens when you spontaneously decided to write a post in your blog at 2 in the morning instead of sleeping. Well. I can't really sleep yet, my tummy's about to explode for eating 3 slices of pizza just a moment ago. Hmm, okay let's start diet tomorrow, this time it's for real!

"I’d love to have a soul mate, I'm sure God will give him to me someday when the time is right & I know it will be worth the wait" - Tori
♥