Goodbye 2020

My last day of 2020 spent well with this handsome man here. I don't know what else to say or write about this one. He really swept me off my feet with his loving eyes lock on mine, cheeky devilish laugh whenever I was acting clumsy not on purpose and when he was trying to mock me or something. His never-ending thirst for knowledge and success. Nerdy soul deep within. I think it's funny and weird at the same time. We've actually plan to dine in KFry months ago, finally got to do so today, after I literally forced him to take me out on a date. Though I noticed that he was a bit not interested to put himself on such crowded places due to current situation that's getting so much worse than before. I'm feeling guilty, hoping that nothing bad affects our health tomorrow onwards. All matters aside, I'm starting to miss him dearly now.

2020 has been a pretty good year to me. I've got a permanent job that I was planning to resign from, but people mostly telling me to stay and work my ass off in finding a better opportunity meanwhile. As much I already tried that, I'm getting sick of being rejected honestly speaking, now I only sit still and just...surrender myself, if that's the word suits me most. Anyhow, I am still thankful and grateful. My family and friends are happy and healthy, but it sucks to be around all of them only to notice that I'm more lonelier than before. If truth be told, as long they're all happy, I'm happy too. No matter how cliche that might sounds. I also met a pure hearted man that caught not just my eyes, but my heart and my mind too. Irresistible and admirably behaved. Good enough to make me stay the night and spend all hours thinking of him, of all the possibilities. I love him, to the point that now I can say I'm afraid of losing him, and also afraid of being with him. Kept telling myself that everyone deserves better than me.

♥

Overreact

It's raining tonight, as it's always been like the previous nights. 10.00 pm has already be my favourite time of the night 'cause I get to feel closer to him, see his captivated cheeky smiles, listen to his blabbermouth. It's the least thing we can do for now. We talked everyday, the old me had always thought this kind of routine was a bore thing to do. But with him, I don't know how he does it, surprisingly he makes everything fun, and I feel like it's not enough. I've been wanting to say it, but I waited instead, to see if it's not just a foul feeling. Of all nights we've talked, I think tonight was a direct flick to my heart and my mind. He did mention before about his intention to study abroad, but the excitement he had on his face while telling me about it tonight just a bit different than before. I was like "that's great! you're gonna make it" yet I'm worried, scared, and sad. I worry if his dream really comes true, he's gonna be far away from me and I...he...Well he's definitely gonna forget about me slowly. It's human nature I guess. People usually would settle for something new something better. That makes me think again, it's an honor to know his dreams, every little thing he favors, every detailed plan he makes.

Plan, his future planning that doesn't seem to involve me at all. Now I see. How can I miss that important clue. Perhaps it's the hormone thingy, I just ended up staring at the ceiling, searching for a song to comfort my thoughts, and started crying. I wanna ask him every lingering questions that seem to bother me, but I'm embarrassed of myself, of my silly way of thinking. I mean, I can't wait for him that long, but I'm so scared of losing him, but this is like a reminder to myself that it's gonna hurt me someday, and I have to be ready for it, now or never. Hmm. I don't know what future holds, but it's okay. I did prayed for him to easily climb up the ladder he wants and live a life he yearns for. Even I'm not a part of it, I promise I'll be happy as long he's happy. Hope everything goes as he planned. Hope in every outcome, I'll be fine and strong.

♥