2017

Happy new year guys! There, I finally said it after trying so hard to get the internet connection for the past few days. Ugh. Now, we're talking about resolutions and wishes. So, I wish Allah showers me with all good things for myself and my dearest family. I wish I'll get a job with a great salary that suits my level. I wish I won't be afraid again to take chances on something or someone. I wish to start all over again, forget whatever that used to hurt me before, or now. I wish to gain back my fitness, serious speaking, I really need to start getting back on track. I wish I'll heal myself completely this year. No more crying in the darkness, please. I wish I'm never gonna fall in love again 'cause it's a bad thing. 'Cause no one will ever get me and all my darkest thoughts. I don't wanna expect for any guy to do so anymore. Resolutions? To fix any broken parts of myself. To be a better servant. To gain more money and start clearing my ptptn debts. To make my family happy. To stop hurting others with/without purpose. To never show my tears to anyone again. To appreciate my friends more.

♥

Darkness

I kept too much emotions inside my heart for too long. Too many hurtful reasons. And that's why it exploded right away. Well, me exploded with tears and depression. I'm never good in expressing what I feel through words actually. All I know is keeping the piles up inside and tell myself that it's okay. But it's totally not okay. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not this kind of person who cries all day long, I know I'm stronger than this person right now. Mama came into my room yesterday. While I tried not to cry and hold myself together, but in the end I cried in her warm embrace. I know I shouldn't but I don't know how that happened. Her words made me cry harder but still, they were the most comforting words I ever heard. I was actually feeling down and very disappointed of myself that I locked myself in my room and didn't eat for 5 days straight. Gosh, she was so worried sick about me. At first, yeah, I kinda blame everyone. But that only lasted for seconds. The rest of the days, I hated myself. I wished I could be braver, smarter and dependable like everyone else. Long sigh. I've apologised to mama and that was truly embarassing because I cried again, in front of her and Ayah too. Ugh dammit! Please do better now Alynn. Be happy from now on.

♥