I Can't Let Go

Here's where I live with my parents now for the time being. Once MCO 2.0 is over and we're allowed to cross border then I'll definitely going back to Semenyih. If my parents decide to come along and stay for two weekends, that would be great. But I doubt it even happen 'cause my father seems kinda settling down here. Like he ain't going anywhere else. Sigh. I know it's so peaceful around here. But I don't wanna be here. I miss my pink room. I miss my wardrobe with huge mirror on it. I miss the smell of my bed and pillows. I miss turning on aircond whenever I want. I miss my friends. I can't seem to let go all of it. You know what, the worse thing is, a few days ago I overheard my parents' conversation of selling the house. I was breaking apart inside, I was just froze up right where I sat, didn't even know what to say. Like, no you can't do that! I wanna said it out loud, but I've no right. It's their house, their money, their decision. Hmm, then I think and think, and think. Yeah, I can't do anything about it. Hopefully it's just a joke, but if it's really happen, I don't think I can accept it. I don't think I can forgive and forget. If you ask me, how long should I hold on to the house, the whole sentimental value and whatnots? The answer is, for however long I want to. Or maybe until I settle down and start a new life of my own. But right now, I'm still living the same pathetic life I've been in since the past 26 years. So don't you judge!

Goodbye 2020

My last day of 2020 spent well with this handsome man here. I don't know what else to say or write about this one. He really swept me off my feet with his loving eyes lock on mine, cheeky devilish laugh whenever I was acting clumsy not on purpose and when he was trying to mock me or something. His never-ending thirst for knowledge and success. Nerdy soul deep within. I think it's funny and weird at the same time. We've actually plan to dine in KFry months ago, finally got to do so today, after I literally forced him to take me out on a date. Though I noticed that he was a bit not interested to put himself on such crowded places due to current situation that's getting so much worse than before. I'm feeling guilty, hoping that nothing bad affects our health tomorrow onwards. All matters aside, I'm starting to miss him dearly now.

2020 has been a pretty good year to me. I've got a permanent job that I was planning to resign from, but people mostly telling me to stay and work my ass off in finding a better opportunity meanwhile. As much I already tried that, I'm getting sick of being rejected honestly speaking, now I only sit still and just...surrender myself, if that's the word suits me most. Anyhow, I am still thankful and grateful. My family and friends are happy and healthy, but it sucks to be around all of them only to notice that I'm more lonelier than before. If truth be told, as long they're all happy, I'm happy too. No matter how cliche that might sounds. I also met a pure hearted man that caught not just my eyes, but my heart and my mind too. Irresistible and admirably behaved. Good enough to make me stay the night and spend all hours thinking of him, of all the possibilities. I love him, to the point that now I can say I'm afraid of losing him, and also afraid of being with him. Kept telling myself that everyone deserves better than me.

♥