I'm back! Only now as a mother to a beautiful baby girl that I named as Sarah Alisya. She's turning 10 months in a couple weeks. She's soooo adorable and never fails to make me smiles. For the record, I gave birth via c-sec due to my condition that's medically called CPD, or in other words, my pelvic bone is abnormally small. Not a weird thing to hear, but at the beginning of my pregnancy, I did prayed a lot so I could get to experience the normal birth, but nevermind that. Oh I should definitely put up my baby's pic up there, but I'll do that later. She's currently having a fever and I suspect that she's about to have her first teeth. Poor girl, this all shall pass, I hope she stays strong to face this phase.
We just moved to PD here, tons of thing to catch up. Where do I begin. I quit my job when I was 5 months pregnant and I mostly stayed at my in law's cuz I planned to give birth in KPJ Selangor, it was much nearer, in case of emergency. I was uncomfortable to stay with them, they're good people indeed, but it just wasn't a place of my comfort zone. I just stayed for the sake of the baby's safety. But I do feel grateful and thankful up until now for having such good in laws, allowing me to stay for months and did what most pregnant women do, eat sleep and repeat. I don't feel like writing about my whole journey from the morning I surrendered myself to the hospital, having my belly cut open by the doctors to take a real human out, the episodes of post operation vomiting on bed, couldn't even get up for 24 hours, the first time I got up after the surgery, and the recovery process that took a toll on me physically mentally and emotionally. It was damn hurt and terrifying for me to go through all that again. My thoughts at that moment, I respect all mothers out there, especially my mom, and my mom in law. Now I'm somebody's mom, I finally understand it all.
Syazwan got fired the first month we had Sarah, and thankfully he got a better job here in PD last September, after 5 or 6 months of trying. That's why I decided to move in here a day before new year, for the sake of Sarah. She deserves to grow up and play around with her father as well. If you or anybody ask me, I wouldn't even want to move to another region, especially when it's quite far away from my parents. But again, nevermind that, I'm an adult so I can adapt to it. Though the life as a fulltime housewife and stay at home mom is truly exhausting. I mean, I wish I have my own me time. But there was never a break! Recently I had a catch up sesh with my girls, I envied them for having such a great life to their own. While I was just stucked in here. "Stuck" sounds depressing, heck yeah I am depress. Hmm. My mom just been diagnosed for breast cancer stage 3c last November. I was feeling down to hear such thing but I didn't even have the time to express the sadness, I gotta put Sarah to sleep first and then I cried alone for several nights. Questioning God why. It was unfair to put this kind of test towards my mother. Of all people, why her. But now I slowly could feel like, peace. I'm just gonna keep praying for her recovery, and I wish I could be there for every of her chemo appointments, but I couldn't. Sarah is my priority now. But we did go back Jeram some weekends to spend time with her.
My marriage wasn't feel like how it used to. Idk what to say. Syazwan has been greatly supported me physically, but sometimes, I could say most of the times, he failed to do so emotionally. So many things that I kept inside my heart ever since I got pregnant, every hurtful words he threw to my face, every actions that didn't match his words of love. I thought I was okay to absorb it all in, but I was all damaged inside because of it. I hate that I'm typing this while my tears about falling down my cheeks. Okay, keep cool alynn. Breathe in, breathe out. Even if he asks me now and wants to make everything works again for both of us, i'm not sure if it's already too late. There were too much I sucked it all in to the point that I no longer remember any of it anymore. Whatever left is only the hurt and I kept on forgiving him until I slowly unloved him. I don't know la, suddenly I feel so pathetic. Would've make me feel good if he can just try approach me and "hey let's have a heart to heart talk..." on weekly basis, just checking in on each other. Hmm that's true effort. But he's always with his phone.