It's been months not writing here. I'm 4 months pregnant now, that explains why. Had pretty rough beginning and let's just say that I suffered physically and mentally with nausea and lost of appetite, all sorts of bad things that I could never imagined I would face it. But I'm much better now. Dear bloggie, I'm scared of giving birth so bad, not to mention the breastfeeding part, the raise a human being episodes as well, I bet only mothers out there would understand this feeling. It's pretty normal right, to seek for emotional support from my husband first and foremost. He's been helping out a lot ever since I was sick and I'm grateful for that, I prayed for good things fall to him as well. But at the same time, I hate for him to witness the weak and pathetic side of me. We were in a good place, though got a bit of hiccups sometimes, which is normal for married couple, I guess. But lately, I don't know. I do want to believe that maybe it's the pregnancy hormones that got me extra sensitive, but man, sometimes I could not deal with his words, his way of treating me. I felt it once before I was pregnant. I just can't seem to find the right words to express it out loud, but tonight I figure I need to at least try write it down.
In all honesty, I feel like I regret marrying him. I totally understand that I have to obey my husband, but the way he's been using this kind of power towards me, it's like there's no sense of thoughtfulness. I slowly feel like I'm some kind of slave or something. Like, whatever I said, it's always wrong in his point of view. My mother had this power towards me before I got married, yet she never treated me this way. She would understand, and I would apologised whenever I did wrongs. I never asked him for materialistic things or anything expensive that I've been wanted, all I ever asked for was food. He not just once, or twice, had said something like "See, I've done everything for you, but you never do anything that I asked for". I was taken aback at first, but annoyed at second time. I didn't know he demanded a favor in return, even it's the kind of favor that is best for me, like reading quran everyday, like taking shower 2 times a day. Mama gave me the same advices before, but not in a forceful kind of vibes, you know. Yet I did ended up obeying her on my own pace. Why would he wanna force me into doing things that I wanted to do on my free will? Why didn't I see this coming? I really thought all the kind gestures purely because he loves me and because I'm helpless at the moment, but those words really made me feel determined to not ask for anything anymore from him. I would do it myself. That's it.
I've planned to follow my parents go back Semenyih tomorrow and spend 2 nights there. Solely cuz I wanna eat few things that I've been craving for, I wanna meet my bestfriends who I missed for months, I wanna feel back the vibes of sleeping in my old room after so long, and last would be cuz of PRU. I remember I did asked politely, properly. I thought he would let me, but he didn't. Can you imagine how I've been asking for his permission for days and he knows exactly how excited I am yet he didn't allow me. My heart simply shattered into pieces, I was hurt deeply by that. I'm tired of all this. This is really not the man that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm good at following and obeying people, but this is exactly not the right way. If anything that he succeeds, it is only in making me love him lesser now. It's not the first or second time my heart got hurt as well, so, wouldn't be weird if I would no longer be in love with him after this. I don't want to live this life anymore, not with him. He once said we're gonna be two man team in this journey, but he lied. I don't feel like a teammate anymore. Perhaps all the love are lies also, or perhaps I've been blinded.
I've said what I said. If this marriage caused me to suffer emotionally, why would I even want to stay? Like, he can't make me happy but I can make myself happier than this. So maybe I will walk away someday. But for now, I just hope I can focus more on myself and the baby. After all this, I don't know, let's just be patience for a while. Hey there lil baby, I'm so sorry if you could feel my sadness as well, I hope you stay there in peace. Mama will try not to cry anymore. I'll hope to see you in April, worst case scenario, I might die but you're gonna be just fine. I silently hope that I die, cuz it might've been easier for your dad, I don't think he loves me anymore.