2024, New Life

I'm back! Only now as a mother to a beautiful baby girl that I named as Sarah Alisya. She's turning 10 months in a couple weeks. She's soooo adorable and never fails to make me smiles. For the record, I gave birth via c-sec due to my condition that's medically called CPD, or in other words, my pelvic bone is abnormally small. Not a weird thing to hear, but at the beginning of my pregnancy, I did prayed a lot so I could get to experience the normal birth, but nevermind that. Oh I should definitely put up my baby's pic up there, but I'll do that later. She's currently having a fever and I suspect that she's about to have her first teeth. Poor girl, this all shall pass, I hope she stays strong to face this phase.

We just moved to PD here, tons of thing to catch up. Where do I begin. I quit my job when I was 5 months pregnant and I mostly stayed at my in law's cuz I planned to give birth in KPJ Selangor, it was much nearer, in case of emergency. I was uncomfortable to stay with them, they're good people indeed, but it just wasn't a place of my comfort zone. I just stayed for the sake of the baby's safety. But I do feel grateful and thankful up until now for having such good in laws, allowing me to stay for months and did what most pregnant women do, eat sleep and repeat. I don't feel like writing about my whole journey from the morning I surrendered myself to the hospital, having my belly cut open by the doctors to take a real human out, the episodes of post operation vomiting on bed, couldn't even get up for 24 hours, the first time I got up after the surgery, and the recovery process that took a toll on me physically mentally and emotionally. It was damn hurt and terrifying for me to go through all that again. My thoughts at that moment, I respect all mothers out there, especially my mom, and my mom in law. Now I'm somebody's mom, I finally understand it all. 

Syazwan got fired the first month we had Sarah, and thankfully he got a better job here in PD last September, after 5 or 6 months of trying. That's why I decided to move in here a day before new year, for the sake of Sarah. She deserves to grow up and play around with her father as well. If you or anybody ask me, I wouldn't even want to move to another region, especially when it's quite far away from my parents. But again, nevermind that, I'm an adult so I can adapt to it. Though the life as a fulltime housewife and stay at home mom is truly exhausting. I mean, I wish I have my own me time. But there was never a break! Recently I had a catch up sesh with my girls, I envied them for having such a great life to their own. While I was just stucked in here. "Stuck" sounds depressing, heck yeah I am depress. Hmm. My mom just been diagnosed for breast cancer stage 3c last November. I was feeling down to hear such thing but I didn't even have the time to express the sadness, I gotta put Sarah to sleep first and then I cried alone for several nights. Questioning God why. It was unfair to put this kind of test towards my mother. Of all people, why her. But now I slowly could feel like, peace. I'm just gonna keep praying for her recovery, and I wish I could be there for every of her chemo appointments, but I couldn't. Sarah is my priority now. But we did go back Jeram some weekends to spend time with her.

My marriage wasn't feel like how it used to. Idk what to say. Syazwan has been greatly supported me physically, but sometimes, I could say most of the times, he failed to do so emotionally. So many things that I kept inside my heart ever since I got pregnant, every hurtful words he threw to my face, every actions that didn't match his words of love. I thought I was okay to absorb it all in, but I was all damaged inside because of it. I hate that I'm typing this while my tears about falling down my cheeks. Okay, keep cool alynn. Breathe in, breathe out. Even if he asks me now and wants to make everything works again for both of us, i'm not sure if it's already too late. There were too much I sucked it all in to the point that I no longer remember any of it anymore. Whatever left is only the hurt and I kept on forgiving him until I slowly unloved him. I don't know la, suddenly I feel so pathetic. Would've make me feel good if he can just try approach me and "hey let's have a heart to heart talk..." on weekly basis, just checking in on each other. Hmm that's true effort. But he's always with his phone. 

Love Is Blind

It's been months not writing here. I'm 4 months pregnant now, that explains why. Had pretty rough beginning and let's just say that I suffered physically and mentally with nausea and lost of appetite, all sorts of bad things that I could never imagined I would face it. But I'm much better now. Dear bloggie, I'm scared of giving birth so bad, not to mention the breastfeeding part, the raise a human being episodes as well, I bet only mothers out there would understand this feeling. It's pretty normal right, to seek for emotional support from my husband first and foremost. He's been helping out a lot ever since I was sick and I'm grateful for that, I prayed for good things fall to him as well. But at the same time, I hate for him to witness the weak and pathetic side of me. We were in a good place, though got a bit of hiccups sometimes, which is normal for married couple, I guess. But lately, I don't know. I do want to believe that maybe it's the pregnancy hormones that got me extra sensitive, but man, sometimes I could not deal with his words, his way of treating me. I felt it once before I was pregnant. I just can't seem to find the right words to express it out loud, but tonight I figure I need to at least try write it down.

In all honesty, I feel like I regret marrying him. I totally understand that I have to obey my husband, but the way he's been using this kind of power towards me, it's like there's no sense of thoughtfulness. I slowly feel like I'm some kind of slave or something. Like, whatever I said, it's always wrong in his point of view. My mother had this power towards me before I got married, yet she never treated me this way. She would understand, and I would apologised whenever I did wrongs. I never asked him for materialistic things or anything expensive that I've been wanted, all I ever asked for was food. He not just once, or twice, had said something like "See, I've done everything for you, but you never do anything that I asked for". I was taken aback at first, but annoyed at second time. I didn't know he demanded a favor in return, even it's the kind of favor that is best for me, like reading quran everyday, like taking shower 2 times a day. Mama gave me the same advices before, but not in a forceful kind of vibes, you know. Yet I did ended up obeying her on my own pace. Why would he wanna force me into doing things that I wanted to do on my free will? Why didn't I see this coming? I really thought all the kind gestures purely because he loves me and because I'm helpless at the moment, but those words really made me feel determined to not ask for anything anymore from him. I would do it myself. That's it.

I've planned to follow my parents go back Semenyih tomorrow and spend 2 nights there. Solely cuz I wanna eat few things that I've been craving for, I wanna meet my bestfriends who I missed for months, I wanna feel back the vibes of sleeping in my old room after so long, and last would be cuz of PRU. I remember I did asked politely, properly. I thought he would let me, but he didn't. Can you imagine how I've been asking for his permission for days and he knows exactly how excited I am yet he didn't allow me. My heart simply shattered into pieces, I was hurt deeply by that. I'm tired of all this. This is really not the man that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm good at following and obeying people, but this is exactly not the right way. If anything that he succeeds, it is only in making me love him lesser now. It's not the first or second time my heart got hurt as well, so, wouldn't be weird if I would no longer be in love with him after this. I don't want to live this life anymore, not with him. He once said we're gonna be two man team in this journey, but he lied. I don't feel like a teammate anymore. Perhaps all the love are lies also, or perhaps I've been blinded.

I've said what I said. If this marriage caused me to suffer emotionally, why would I even want to stay? Like, he can't make me happy but I can make myself happier than this. So maybe I will walk away someday. But for now, I just hope I can focus more on myself and the baby. After all this, I don't know, let's just be patience for a while. Hey there lil baby, I'm so sorry if you could feel my sadness as well, I hope you stay there in peace. Mama will try not to cry anymore. I'll hope to see you in April, worst case scenario, I might die but you're gonna be just fine. I silently hope that I die, cuz it might've been easier for your dad, I don't think he loves me anymore.