A Night Alone

I never thought he would be the reason behind my tears dropped down my cheeks. Last night was the second time. The first one happened while we're on honeymoon, after we failed to have sex and he just walked away leaving me naked alone on bed. This time he refused to sleep in a same bed with me. Am I that disgusting to him? I don't know but what I know is he'd rather slept alone and I ain't that important to him. I started questioning that maybe I chose wrong, maybe this life is the wrong one for me. My feelings are valid and all I wanted was to go back home for a while, to see my lovely ones cuz I miss them so much. Life's been so tiring, work's been pressuring me up for self growth. I just need to have some play times with my Aysar and Adel. All because the fact that they love me no matter what, is what boost my self confidence, what makes me want to try harder and be better. Little pure souls are different than us, they had no idea how tough the world outside is, and how full of flaws myself is. Unknowingly, I already get used to run my way back to them to find peace in mind for a short while. But let's talk about what I feel now, is all disappointment, and lack of love towards the person I supposed to love wholeheartedly. It hasn't been a month yet we've already had arguments and cold silence for a couple times now. How do you think we're gonna last long like our parents'? No, we won't. Someday I will get used to being hurt, and comfort my own self. Someday he will get used to being hurt too, and walk away at times I need him most. I really don't see how our marriage gonna last long. If marriage and love could hurt this bad, perhaps someday I should go. I'd rather live a single life alone, cuz there's absolutely no way I would make myself cry, and I always gonna have my back no matter what. I have this thought that I was at fault too, for giving my whole self to somebody who knows how fragile I am, who knows how he affects me most. So you know what I should do from now on? Stop giving myself away! 

Love Me Harder

 

Alhamdulillah, on 4th June, I'm officially married to this amazing man here, Muhammad Syazwan Bin Safari. I'm more than happy with the decoration, hand bouquet, my nikah outfit, how my family looks pretty and handsome, the good food and all, except for my suddenly swollen left eye, and my ruined makeups as the day went hotter. I just deeply hope that the photos and videos turn out well and as good as I expected. I hope I don't look ugly in it. But no worries, my husband looks so handsome, as usual. Woah, now that saying 'my husband', it feels kinda weird but in a good way. I love him most, and I'm so very thankful to my whole family for making this day as beautiful as it supposed to be. Though got some hiccups here and there, but with their help, things just got better. My very close friends came to my wedding, not so many and I'd understand. 'Cuz Jeram is way too far from wherever they're staying. Yet only those who knows they're important to me, had come. Now that I'm someone's wife, gotta carry this huge responsibilities well. No more going out alone, or having the entire space that I needed. I guess.

We had our reception day on 5th June, on his side. Had to say it was overwhelming to stand and walk to the crowds. Be the center of attention. If I had a choice, I would've run away and refused to do that. His family is so big, so beautiful and so much in another level compared to mine myself. The thoughts of 'am I deserve to be a part of them' started eating me inside, hence the sudden clumsy and moody self coming out. That was then, but now I'm scared, I'm sad and worried, cuz I'm going to lose myself to someone else. By the time you're reading this now, I'm currently on a honeymoon with Syazwan. The first night we've been husband and wife, he kissed me good. Lucky I was on my period and I am still, we only spent the nights cuddling together. It was so nice. Once or twice we would've woke up in the middle of the night and started cuddling and kissing. One most important thing that I'm not ready yet is to lose my virginity. And it's going to happen probably tonight. Ugh I'm scared but I know he's very good with all the touching in bed! So good that I unknowingly starting to ask for more. If it happens tonight, I'll definitely write about it tomorrow. 

♥